


More than words

by Nothesc



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-11-23 07:30:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 38,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11397918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nothesc/pseuds/Nothesc
Summary: New Yousana AUOn the summer of 2011, a soon to be 14 years old Yousef discovers a loose slab on the floor of his bedroom at the cabin where he's staying during his holidays and decides to leave a note for the next person that stays there.Weeks later a soon to be 12 years old Sana finds a note from an stranger under a losen slab on the floor of her bedroom at the cabin and decides to answer that anonymous person.And this is how the two kids start a letter friendship that continues during their teenage years.orOnce again, the yousana au no one asked for





	1. Summer 2011-Spring 2012

There are five holiday breaks in Norway. During those breaks kids don’t have to go to school so even if for whatever reason you don’t celebrate those festivities you still don’t have class. That makes it a good chance to go somewhere else and relax, spend time with your family, maybe even make new friends.

Five holidays breaks that go along the year.

The summer break, the biggest of them all, starts on late June and ends on August. After that, the school year begins and it’s not until late September/early October when the autumn break comes, it only lasts a week but it’s something. Then Christmas arrives, 2 weeks without going to school, 2 weeks to relax. Just like autumn has its break, winter also has one, this one takes place on late February/early March and just like the previous season’s break it lasts a week. Then finally comes Easter, every April, kids, and also teenagers of course, have a free week.

As said before, these breaks give families the best chance to spend some time together, far away from the city.

For Yousef’s family that means going to the cabin in the woods. Every year, almost every holiday, they go there. The cabin in the woods is a pretty big house with four bedrooms, not that they need the four bedrooms, and two floors. Yousef always takes the room in the attic, he loves the views and the calm that comes with it. At first Yousef loved going to the cabin but as he grows up he starts to get bored, he rather spend his breaks back in Oslo with his friends. His family rents the house for the first month of summer, the autumn break, the second half of Christmas and the first 4 days of Easter. Someone would say that the Acar family are the best costumers for that cabin, but they aren’t actually the only ones who stay a big part of their year there.

Sana’s family started to rent that house for holiday breaks before Sana had even been born. As if they were taking turns with the Acar family, though they had never met and they wouldn’t for a really long time, the Bakkoush family would stay in that cabin during the second month of summer, the first week of Christmas, the winter break and finally the last 4 days of Easter. Sana had to fight a lot with her two brothers, Abdu and Elias, to let her take the attic room. Eventually she won the battle and the room was hers. She likes being there. She has never been a very social girl. Sure, she has friends but not as many as her brothers have. In fact, she has never taken any friend to the cabin, unlike her brothers who always have guests. That may be the reason why Sana starts to dread going to the cabin, she always feels alone there.

 

**SUMMER 2011**

On the summer of 2011 as Yousef had been in that cabin for almost three weeks already, he was starting to get on his nerves. He kept pacing around the room trying to think about something entertaining to do. Of course, nothing came to his mind. He was about to give up when suddenly he tripped and almost fell. When he looked down to the floor to try to find out what had made him trip he realize that there was a loose slab. He kneeled to the floor and took the slab in his hands. In the spot it had left on the floor there was a gap, big enough to hide something. For a moment he got excited, what if someone had hid something there and he was about to discover it? But the hole was empty. He was a little disappointed at first but then an idea came to his mind. What if he was the one that would hide something there? But now the question was…what should he hide? It wasn’t like he had anything he wanted to get rid of. For 15 minutes he sat on the floor looking around the room trying to think about something good. His eyes stopped in the wooden wardrobe that had a broken door. He remembered how the first time he got there that summer, three weeks ago, as he was about to open the wardrobe, the door fell and hit him in the foot. In that moment he wished someone, a previous tenant, would’ve warned him. What if he did exactly that? What if he wrote a note for the next tenant warning them about the broken door, that was a good thing to do, right?

He stood up and grabbed a notebook and a pen.

**_“Hello there unknown person. If you’re reading this you’ve found the loose slab on the floor and just like me you’ve been curious enough to look in the hole hoping that you’d find something. Congratulations! You found me. Sorry if I’m not what you were waiting for. But I’m actually here with a good tip. Be careful when you open the wardrobe door. Unless it gets fixed after I leave next week (it’s July 2011, just in case you don’t see this until like a million years) if you try to open it too hard it’s going to fall on your feet and hurt you, trust me, it happened to me. I don’t really know what else to say, I’m actually feeling kind of stupid for writing this when no one is probably going to see it. I’ll feel like a complete dumbass when I get back here on autumn break and find this same piece of paper with no answer on it. Anyway, at least I’ve tried. Hope your stay here is more interesting than mine, but honestly, that wouldn’t be that difficult. Well, bye!”_ **

He folded the paper and placed it in the hole. Then he took the slab and put it back in its place. Yousef knew that he probably wouldn’t get an answer, but at least now he had a reason to look forward to his next visit to the cabin.

 -x-

Sana sighed, only three more days and she finally would be back in Oslo. Not that her life was that interesting back home, but at least she didn’t have to be in the same place for a month. She was sitting on the bed looking at the floor trying to think about something that would entertain her. From her room she could hear her brothers’ laughs, they had brought some friends and were playing outside. It wasn’t like they wouldn’t let her play with them. On the contrary, Abdu and Elias always asked her if she wanted to hang out with them, but the truth was that most of the time Sana just wanted to be left alone. As she was lost in her thoughts something caught her attention. There was a slab on the floor that seemed out of place. She hadn’t noticed it before. She frowned and kneeled down. Sana took the slab and found a hole under it, big enough to hide something there. Without even thinking about it, Sana introduced her hand in the hole and tried to find something. She was about to give up when her fingers touched a piece of paper. She took it and unfolded it eagerly. There was a message, a short message from a previous tenant, and they had been there almost at the same time as her –the note said it was July 2011 and now it was August-. She looked at her wounded foot as she read the part about the broken wardrobe door. It had fallen on her foot the first night there. As she finished reading she thought for a moment. Should she answer? What if it was a psychopath trying to get her attention? But it really didn’t look like it and she didn’t have to reveal any fact about herself to answer. Besides, that person had tried to warn her about the door, the polite thing to do was to say thanks, right?

She grabbed a pen from her desk and started writing.

**_“Hi! How are you? Well, I guess it doesn’t make much sense to ask you that. It’s August 2032 here, guess it’s been awhile since you wrote that letter…Kidding!! It’s August 2011 so just a few weeks after you left, I guess? I just wanted to thank you for the tip even though I read this note way too late. Me and my wounded foot say hi to you. Since you gave me a tip, I’ll give you another. I don’t know when you’ll be back, if you’ll be back, but a word of advice? Don’t sleep with your window opened in summer, the mosquitoes will kill you. I’ve been bitten so badly this summer and I only slept with my window opened one night. At least next time I’ll be here it’ll be during Christmas break so I won’t have to worry about them, right? Well, I guess that’s pretty much what I wanted to tell you. Thanks again for the tip and don’t feel stupid, you got your answer ;)”_ **

****

 

**AUTUMN 2011**

To say that Yousef had spent the rest of the summer thinking about the possibility of him finding an answer to his note when he’d come back to the cabin would be a lie. Being honest he had pretty much forgotten about it as soon as he had arrived back to Oslo.

But when September came and it was time for him to go back to the cabin he found himself thinking about that every day.

As soon as he stepped into the cabin that autumn the first thing he did was run to his bedroom and close the door. He sat on the floor and took a deep breath before taking the loose slab in his hands. His heart beat fast in his chest as he introduced his hand in the hole and picked up the paper. He unfolded and grinned widely when he saw that his handwriting wasn’t the only one in the paper, someone had answered.

He laughed a little while reading it and as soon as he ended he grabbed a pen and wrote an answer

**_“I’m sorry to hear about your foot! Hope it’s okay now. And yeah I got bitten by the mosquitoes too, guess our blood is really tasty hahah…Okay that was a lame joke. Sorry!. To be honest I wasn’t expecting a reply, I guess we all get bored here in the cabin, right? By the way, I’m also going to be back here for Christmas…hmmm…I wonder how that will work. Guess we’ll know in a few months. Thank you for your answer and I hope you have a good autumn!”_ **

****

**CHRISTMAS 2011**

**_“I’m always here the first week of Christmas. We don’t celebrate Christmas in my family so we like to get away from the city. But on the second week we go back and spend some time with the rest of the family. A word of advice? When you come here next week don’t sleep with your window opened, you won’t get bitten by mosquitoes but you will literally freeze. Oh and by the way, yeah your joke was kind of lame but I’ve heard them worse, so don’t worry”_ **

**_-x-_ **

**_“Oh, I see, I’m always here the second week of Christmas. It’s pretty much the same with my family but in reverse order. We spend the week with the family and then we come here for the second week and celebrate New Year’s Eve here, exciting…I know. And of course I won’t sleep with my window opened! It’s December, do you think I’m crazy??? Oh and thanks for being nice about the joke but you shouldn’t be that nice, you’ll make me think that it’s okay to say lame jokes and you’ll never hear the end of it. Happy New Year by the way! I guess this question doesn’t make much sense but…when do you come back?”_ **

****

**WINTER BREAK 2012**

**“ _Happy new year to you too!! I’m back here again! (it’s winter break, 2012) Well in that case I hate your lame jokes please don’t make one like that again! (jk, it wasn’t that bad). And hey, I was just trying to prevent you from getting frozen but okay…girl? Boy?…I just realized I don’t really know anything about you. Maybe you could tell me something, like your age for example? Please tell me you’re not a 40 years old man, that’d be creepy. I don’t want you to tell me your name though, I like the anonymous thing, it’s interesting and it feels safe, if you know what I mean. I’ll be back on the last four days of Easter, hope there’s an answer when I come back”_**

****

**EASTER 2012**

**_“I’m not a 40 years old man!! I’m 38! Haha just kidding, another lame joke. I’m a 14 years old boy actually. And I agree with you with the anonymous thing, I think it’s better if we don’t know much about each other’s personal life, it’s more interesting this way. By the way I’m here for the first 4 days of Easter so I guess you’ll come back after I leave. It feels as if we were taking turns to be in the cabin hahah. Guess it was destiny that we would meet…well not meet, but talk.”_ **

**_-x-_ **

**_“Ufff, I feel a lot better now. I’m a 12 years old girl, yeah yeah, I’m a little kid whatever…I’m sure I’m more mature than you. I actually think that I saw your car leaving when I got here? A nice white car? You know what? Forget about it, we’re trying to be anonymous here, we can’t know which kind of car we have either…I guess? So I won’t be back until summer, will you be here like last year?? I pretty much come the same dates every year so I guess now you know when I’ll be here. What about you? Was this year an exception or is it the rule? And yes I guess destiny was trying to make us meet…write…whatever. I’ll read you on summer!”_ **


	2. Summer 2012 - Spring 2013

**SUMMER 2012**

**_“It’s definitely the rule. I also come here always the same holidays every year so I guess that now you also know when I’ll be here. And yes! That was definitely my car or at least I think so, I mean my car is definitely white and I think I saw one as I left…black car? But yeah like you say let’s not give many details, although I don’t think that the color of our cars really matter._ ** **_Hey! Can you believe that it’s been a year since we started talking? That’s incredible. I mean I used to dread coming here to the cabin every holiday because I’m always super bored but since we started talking I’ve found myself looking forward to it so I guess I should say thank you for answering in the first place! And remember, no sleeping with the window opened on summer ;)”_ **

**_-x-_ **

**_“IT’S BEEN A YEAR???? Okay wow. It seems like it was yesterday when I found your note, I honestly can’t believe that it’s been a year since then. And same! It’s so nice talking to you, like the certainty that when I come here there’ll be a letter waiting for me, that’s really good so I guess I should thank you for writing the first letter a year ago. Also yes, my car is black hahah. And I mean I don’t think that the color of our cars matter that much either but it just feels nice not knowing that much about each other…Like it feels as if I could say whatever I want and it won’t matter ‘cause you don’t really know who I am. It’s like you’re my diary. And yup, don’t worry, I won’t make that mistake again, the mosquitoes won’t have me this year”_ **

****

**AUTUMN BREAK 2012**

**_“Okay wow, that hurt. That’s what I am to you? A diary? Just a piece of paper that you start writing and always leave behind (because let’s be honest, who has ever finished a diary?) Okay, fine, I thought we were friends but it seems like I was wrong. I’m just a diary to you. You hurt me girl, you really did._ **

**_Just kidding! I get what you meant and I totally agree. It’s like I can be a dork (you just need to read the first sentences of this letter to realize that I am a dork) and I know you won’t judge me or you won’t like tell anyone because I mean, you don’t know who I am so yeah I totally get what you mean._ **

**_See you –read you- in Christmas, diary girl!”_ **

****

****

**CHRISTMAS 2012**

**_“Of course you’re my friend!!! You’re my diary, yes, but you’re also my friend. You’re my faceless friend about whom I know nothing._ **

**_Well…now that I think about that…I don’t know how wise that is haha. Like I’m talking to a total stranger that says that is a 14 (probably 15 by now?) years old boy but as far as I know you could be a 40 years old creepy man._ **

**_Hmmm…you’re kind of funny and honestly I don’t have anything else to do here so I guess I’ll take a chance and continue talking to you._ **

**_I’ll read you on the winter break faceless friend!”_ **

**_-x-_ **

**_“My faceless friend about whom I know nothing….ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE 12 (13 by now?)????? Who talks like that when they’re 13??? I think I should be the one worried about you being a 40 years old creepy man. Also what is it with you and 40 years old creepy men? Is the second time you ask me if I’m one. I told you…I’m 38._ **

**_No but, seriously I promise I’m a 15 years old guy who makes lame jokes and likes to write letter to his “faceless friend about whom he knows nothing”_ **

**_You have to promise me that you’re a 13 years old girl though so I can sleep at night”_ **

****

**WINTER BREAK 2013**

**_“Okay first of all, yes I’m a 13 years old girl so you can relax (although if you think about it, even if I were a 40 years old creepy man I wouldn’t tell you so yeah, you’ll have to sleep with one eye opened from now on)_ **

**_And second of all, just because I’m younger than you doesn’t mean that I can’t talk properly or be smarter than you. I mean one of my brothers is your age and I can assure you that I’m waaaaay smarter than him._ **

**_Wait…did I just break our anonymous rule? Should I start again? Well you know what? Whatever, it’s not like having a dumb older brother is that big of a deal right? I mean you can’t just guess who I am by knowing that my car is black and that my brother is dumb (ha! Look I even made it rhyme, see? I’m smart)”_ **

****

****

**EASTER 2013**

**“ _Okay okay, I’ll choose to believe that you’re a girl so I can sleep at night_**

**_And don’t freak out! Like you said I won’t know who you are just by knowing that your car is black and your brother is dumb (you’re right, it does rhyme…wait now I’m the one making rhymes haha)_ **

**_Just so we’re even I’ll tell you something about me. I don’t have siblings, which sucks to be honest. I’ve always wanted a brother or a sister so I’m kind of jealous of you. I mean I have lots of cousins, little cousins and I love them because I really like kids but sometimes I’d like to have someone who’s always there for me like a brother or sister should be you know?_ **

**_Do you get along well with your brothers? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”_ **

**_–x–_ **

**_“Okay relax Mr. Rhymes, I’m the smart one here remember? You’re the dork (your words not mine)_ **

**_And it’s fine I’ll answer. I do get along well with my brothers. I mean I don’t really hang out with them, mainly because I’m kind of shy and they have their own friends but they always ask me if I want to hang out with them so that’s nice. And they really care about me, I mean if you were a 40 years old creepy man they would totally kick your ass defending me (yup, here I am again talking about creepy guys)_ **

**_And I get what you mean, it’s nice to know that no matter what happens I’ll always have my brothers and I can count of them so I’m sorry to hear that you don’t have that. But hey, you have your faceless friend about whom you know nothing._ **

**_Okay I have a confession to make…I cheated. I convinced my parents to come a few hours earlier to try to see you. But you were already gone…_ **

**_I’ll understand if you’re mad and you don’t want to talk to me anymore but hey…it didn’t work so…”_ **


	3. Summer 2013 - Spring 2014

**SUMMER 2013**

**_“I’m glad to hear that your brothers have your back. It must be really good having them._ **

**_And thanks for saying that I have you, even if you do have an obsession with 40 years old creepy men._ **

**_Okay wow pen pal friend (I’m trying to see how this sounds…I think I prefer faceless friend?), that was definitely cheating, I can’t believe you broke our rule, that was so rude._ **

**_But I do have to make a confession too. That day you mentioned? When you tried to come here sooner so you could see me? I tried to delay our departure as much as I could so I could see you but yeah, just like you said, it didn’t work. I guess we’re both shitty people”_ **

**_-x-_ **

**_“You really think I’m a shitty person? I haven’t done anything to you. Why would you say that? I can’t change who I am. I know I’m not the coolest girl or the funniest or the smartest but I try, I try so hard to fit in. Do I really deserve to be treated this way? Do you really hate me that much?”_ **

****

****

**AUTUMN BREAK 2013**

**_“Wow, wow, wow. What was that? I was just joking. Seriously, I swear I was just joking. I thought we were both joking. I’m really sorry if you thought I was trying to insult you or if I was mean. I promise you that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t want to make you feel bad. And you are the coolest girl I know, even if I don’t actually know you. Please forgive me, I really didn’t mean it that way. Please”_ **

****

****

**CHRISTMAS 2013**

As soon as Yousef arrived to the cabin on the second week after Christmas he went straight to his bedroom. He kneeled on the floor and picked up the loose slab. He introduced his hand on the hole and grabbed the paper. Yousef unfolded it anxiously only to discover that there was no answer. The last words that were written were his own words from autumn break. He knew that she had been there the week before, she said she was always there and the paper was clearly more used than when he had left it in the hole. She had read it but she hadn’t answered, she had chosen not to answer. He felt his chest tighten and his hands sweating. Had he really messed up the best thing he had in his life? During the past year and a half going to the cabin to read that girl’s answer was the thing Yousef was looking forward to the most. Was that the end? Was he never going to get an answer? He had to try though, one more time. He had to write her, insist that he didn’t mean to hurt her, that he was just being a jerk. Ask for her forgiveness.

**_“Hi anonymous friend. I’m really sorry. I’ve seen that you haven’t answered and I’m not going to lie, I’m a little hurt…and angry…but at myself because I feel like I’ve screwed up. I feel like I’ve hurt you even if I didn’t want to. Please please please forgive me. I don’t want our friendship to be over. I’m really sorry. If you ever want to talk again, you know where to find me. Please”_ **

****

****

**WINTER BREAK 2014**

**_“I’m the one who’s sorry. I shouldn’t have lashed out on you like that. I was angry and I took it out on you when it wasn’t your fault. I’ve been dealing with some stuff and I just…I guess you saying that I’m a shitty person, even if I know now that you didn’t mean it, it just made me click and I couldn’t help myself. I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel bad. I’m sorry I didn’t answer you on Christmas, I was too embarrassed to face you, well to write you. I understand if you think I’m a drama queen and immature and you don’t want to talk to me anymore. Just know that it wasn’t your fault it’s just…stuff I’ve been going through. I’m sorry”_ **

****

****

**EASTER 2014**

**_“Please don’t apologize. I completely understand. We all go through some stuff and we need to express ourselves even if the person we’re talking to isn’t the one to blame. Just know that I was just worried about you, not me, but you. I hope you’re doing a little bit better. Do you want to talk about it? I mean, it’s completely fine if you don’t I just…I think it might help you? I know you have your brothers and your family to support you and to talk about this kind of stuff, whatever that is, but maybe it’s easier if you talk to someone you don’t know? I’m your diary, remember? Still, it’s okay if you don’t want to, we can just forget about all of this. But I’m here for you if you want to talk”_ **

**_-x-_ **

**_“Okay, yeah I’ll tell you…I haven’t actually told anyone._ **

**_Where do I begin? I guess that the first thing you need to know about me is that I’m muslim. So if you were thinking about me as the cute blonde blue-eyed Norwegian girl, yeah that’s not me. I also wear a hijab and no, no one is forcing me to do it. I wear it because I want to, which is something that apparently people don’t get. I’m sorry, I’m taking it out on you again…_ **

**_The thing is…there are these girls at school…they clearly don’t like me. And at first I didn’t care you know? I could deal with the nasty looks and the comments behind my back. But it’s getting worse. They send me messages telling me I should leave the country, telling me I’m an idiot for wearing a hijab, saying that my brothers are oppressing me when they’re nothing but supportive, threatening me with…I don’t even know…_ **

**_I know what you’re going to say. Tell someone. Well I’m telling you, aren’t I?_ **

**_I’ve thought about telling someone but what difference will it make? If it’s not them then it’ll be other people, that’s how it’s always going to be._ **

**_I just want it to be over. I just want school to be over but I still have to deal with one more year. How am I even supposed to do that when I’m scared of going there every single day?_ **

**_You know what? I fought back one day, they were teasing me in the school yard and I could take that but then they talked about my brothers and I couldn’t stop myself. I pushed one of them, I know it was wrong but it felt so good in that moment._ **

**_The psychologist of the school said I have anger issues…ha! I’d like to see her in my position._ **

**_Do you know what it feels like thinking that you’re not muslim enough? Not Norwegian enough? Not pretty enough? Not good enough? Of course you don’t. But I do._ **

**_So of course I’m angry, I’m angry at myself because as much as I try I don’t seem to be able to be the person I want to be and I get so frustrated. I’m mad at those girls for making me feel like I’m not worthy._ **

**_Anyway, I’m sorry for the rant but honestly? You asked for it._ **

**_I’ll understand if you don’t want to talk to me or if you don’t want to be friends anymore._ **

**_It felt good telling someone, though, it felt good telling you._ **

**_Thank you for reading.”_ **


	4. Summer 2014 - Spring 2015

**SUMMER 2014 (14 and 16 years old)**

**“ _I don’t even know what to say. Thank you for trusting me with your story. I know that maybe this won’t mean much to you but you’re enough. You’re good enough. You’re more than enough. You’re the coolest girl I know and I haven’t even met you. You’re smart (way smarter than me) and funny and kind. And if those girls can’t see that then it’s their problem. And you’re probably going to hate me for this but I really think that you should tell someone, someone other than me, someone that can help you, that can defend you, someone that can be there for you in a way I can’t._**

**_I guess this may sound selfish but I won’t be able to sleep at night until I know that someone is taking care of you. You deserve the world girl, and I wished I could give it to you._ **

**_PS: in case it isn’t clear, of course I want to be friends with you._ **

**_PS2: Just so you know, I’m also muslim”_ **

****

**_-x-_ **

****

**_“I almost didn’t write to you. When I came here I spent a week not daring to look at the paper, afraid that you hadn’t answered. But I couldn’t sleep at night, there was something inside me that told me to look and I’m glad I did._ **

**_THANK YOU. Thank you for listenting to me and for your words and for being there. You say that you can’t be there for me, but you are, you’re here for me in ways no one can and for that I’m grateful._ **

**_I’ll think about talking to someone, maybe it’s time for me to trust other people_ **

**_Thank you again_ **

**_PS: I don’t want to stop being friends either_ **

**_PS2: Is it weird that reading that made me happy?”_ **

****

****

**AUTUMN BREAK 2014 (14 and 17 years old)**

**_“Believe it or not this time I was the one that almost didn’t check if you had answered. I was afraid. Guess great minds think alike (although we both know your mind is greater than mine. Yeah, I’ve accepted that)_ **

**_I’m glad that e both want to keep taling and no, it’s not weird that it made you happy. It also made me happy when you told me, considering the circumstances, of course._ **

**_Well pen pal, (or was it anonymous friend?) I’ll read you in Christmas. Hope you have a great autumn.”_ **

****

****

**CHRISTMAS 2014 (15 and 17 years old)**

**“ _I’m glad you finally accepted that I’m smarter than you. It was a matter of time._**

**_I have news!! I’ve told someone. I followed your advice and I finally told someone._ **

**_My brother’s girlfriend was at my middle school and she had some suspicions about what was going on. She’s not there anymore, she’s in high school now, but still I thought that maybe she could help, she’s always been so nice to me. And she did help!! I told her and she said she would take care of me. Since then she’s been dropping me off and picking me up from school. And let me tell you that she and her friends are so badass so the bullies were scared and haven’t bothered me again. So…yay!! Thank you for your advice and for being there for me. And don’t worry, this doesn’t mean that I’m changing you for her, you’ll always be the first person I told.”_ **

****

**_-x-_ **

****

**_“It makes me really happy to hear that they’re not bothering you anymore!! Your brother’s girlfriend sounds great, I’m glad you have her. You deserve to be surrounded by people that care about you. And thank you for not forgetting about me, I’ll always be here for you._ **

**_I need to tell you something though…My parents told me that we’re not coming back to the cabin anymore._ **

**_My father is starting his own business so he won’t have a holidays for awhile. I know this sucks but I really don’t want our friendship to end so this is what I thought…Are you from Oslo? I really hope you are ‘cause this will only work if you’re from Oslo like me._ **

**_Well there’s this book shop new Nissen, the high school, which is both a book shop and a café. It’s really small but it’s such a lovely place. Anyway, in the young adult section there’s this spot where the fuse box is supposed to be but it’s not, it’s empty. I thought that maybe that can be our next secret spot. Maybe you can leave your answer there. Since you won’t read this until the winter break, I’ll wait a few days after that to go there and look for your answer. If there’s nothing there I guess that would mean that either you’re not form Oslo or you don’t want our friendship to continue._ **

**_I really hope that you like this idea._ **

**_I’ll be waiting xx_ **

****

****

**MARCH 2015 (15 and 17 years old)**

**“ _Hi! I really hope that this is the book shop you were talking about. If it isn’t and some other person is reading this…hi, I guess?_**

**_I like your idea or “meeting” here now. This way we won’t have to wait till the holidays to get our answers…still…I’ve thought about something._ **

**_If we do this, we won’t know when the other is going to answer and we will drive ourselves crazy. So here’s what I thought: one month._ **

**_I’m leaving this here on the 1 st of March and I’ll come find your answer on the 1st of April. Not sooner nor later. This way we a) will know when to expect an answer and b) will have a month to think about our answer and to focus on the rest of the things in our lives. I just don’t want us to leave everything behind for this, you know? I’m sure if we didn’t put any limits we would get obsessed and I don’t want this to be ruined._ **

**_So yeah, that’s my idea. Hope you like it. I’ll read you on the 1 stof April xx_ **

****

**_Oh! And just to be sure you’re you, answer this: when did we start talking and what advice did you give me?”_ **

****

****

**APRIL 2015 (15 and 17 years old)**

**“ _Summer 2011. I told you to be careful with the wardrobe’s door because it was broken and you told me it was too late, you had already hurt your foot_**

**_I really love your idea, once again you show me that you’re the smart one in this relationship…friendship…relationship of friends. Well you know what I mean._ **

**_Is it embarrassing that I’m really glad that we’re going to talk more often now? It probably is but oh well, it’s out now so whatever._ **

**_I’m really looking forward to your answer. I’ll read you on the 1 st of May xx”_ **

****

**MAY 2015 (15 and 17 years old)**

**“ _You passed the test!!! You’re definitely my anonymous friend about whom I know nothing._**

**_And of course I’m the smart one in this relationship._ **

**_Also, I don’t know if it’s embarrassing or not but I’m also really happy that we’re going to talk more often!!_ **

**_Oh btw, I don’t know if I told you but…I’m starting high school on September (I guess you should know by my age). I’m really nervous. My brother’s girlfriend will be there but still, I’m getting anxious. What is I don’t fit in? Any tips you can give me since you’re already in high school?_ **

**_I’ll read you in June xx”_ **


	5. Summer 2015 - Spring 2016

**JUNE 2015 (15 and 17 years old)**

**_“Hey, don’t worry about that. You’ll fit in just fine. I’ve told you this before: you’re the coolest girl I know, everyone would love to be your friend!!!_ **

**_And if they don’t want to, then it’s their loss. I don’t really know what advice to give you. Just that you shouldn’t worry about what people say, you’re perfect just the way you are._ **

**_I’m sure that in a few months you will be writing me telling me about this awesome people you’ve met in your high school and I’ll be lowkey jealous because they have the chance to enjoy your company and I don’t. But well, I like to think that I enjoy your company in a whole different and more special way._ **

**_I’m looking forward to your answer on July! xx”_ **

****

**JULY 2015 (15 and 17 years old)**

**_“Thank you for the advice and thank you for being so nice to me! I know I don’t say this too often but you’re also the coolest boy I know. And of course that what we have is special, no other friendship will be like this._ **

**_I‘m still amazed about how comfortable I feel while talking to you. As you may have guessed already I’m not a very opened person. But with you, I don’t know, it feels like I can tell you anything and it’s not because we’re anonymous anymore, it’s more than that._ **

**_Wow, I’m getting too sentimental here. I should say something rude to keep my façade. Uhm…your jokes suck and are lame._ **

**_Although, now that I think about it, it’s been awhile since you’ve made one of your lame jokes._ **

**_Anyway, I’ll read you in August xx”_ **

****

**AUGUST 2015 (15 and 17 years old)**

Sana unlocked her phone to look at the time. She always used to wait until the afternoon to go to the book shop and check if her anonymous friend had answered her yet. But that day she was way too anxious.

As the months passed by she would look more and more forward to reading the letters. She knew that this would happen. That’s why she had asked him to keep the letters to just once a month because she knew that she would get too invested on it. But how wouldn’t she? That boy, whoever he was, made her feel something that she had never felt before. She was starting to doubt if those feelings were strict friendship feelings. She didn’t know what being in love felt like but she did know what friendship felt like and this wasn’t quite that. A part of her was worried that maybe she was a little bit obsessed with it. That part of her was mostly scared of what would happen if he decided to stop the letters. What if he got tired of her? What if he got a girlfriend or new friends and he just forgot about her?

She wasn’t stupid or naïve, she knew that eventually that would happen. They couldn’t keep this letter friendship forever, at some point they would have to either stop or agree to meet. She was hoping that it’d be the latter. And until then she was going to try to enjoy the letter as long as they’d last.

With those thoughts in her mind she got out of her room just in time to see her brother entering the house.

 ** _“Elias I’m going out, if mom asks where I am just tell her that I’ll be back soon”_**  she said as she put her jacket on without noticing that her brother wasn’t alone.

 ** _“Okay, uh, Sana? I want you to meet someone”_**  Elias said pointing at the boy next to him  ** _“This is Yousef, we’ve been friends for awhile now but it’s the first time he comes to our house”_**

 ** _“Hi”_**  Yousef said shyly as he looked at her

**_“Yeah, yeah, nice to meet you. I’m leaving”_ **

Sana walked past by the boys without even looking at Yousef and left the house. She didn’t have time to lose, she needed to get to that book shop and read the letter.

 ** _“Your sister is…interesting…very friendly”_**  Yousef told Elias faking a smile

 ** _“She’s usually nicer than that, I promise”_**  Elias said still frowning because of Sana’s behavior

 ** _“Yeah…I’m sure she is”_**  his friend said not convinced.

In any other moment, Yousef would’ve minded about his friend’s sister not liking him, but his mind was elsewhere, in a book shop where the girl he couldn’t stop thinking about was going to go during that day to read his letter.

They had been talking for four years now but especially this last year Yousef’s mind had been on that mysterious girl almost every day. He would count the days left to read her answers, then reread them several times until he practically knew them by heart. He hadn’t told anyone, he knew his friends would tease him about being in love with a girl he didn’t know. In love…was that what he was feeling? Love? He had never been in love, he didn’t know how that felt like, but he did know one thing…there was something in that girl that made him want to be more than just friends.

 -x-

Sana entered the book shop almost running. She greeted the seller with a shy smile and walked to the young adult section. She wondered if the seller knew why she came so often to that shop. Maybe she knew who the boy was, maybe she could ask her how he looked like. Sana shook her head, there were rules, she had been the one to make the rules in the first place, she couldn’t be the one breaking them.

She reached their hidden spot and took the paper, her heart beating fast.

**_“Hahaha!! You really made me laugh with that comment about my jokes. But come on, let’s be real here, you LOVE my jokes. You even admitted you miss them (I know you didn’t say exactly those words but it was implied)_ **

**_And I’m glad that you feel like you can talk to me. That’s how I feel too. It’s like I’ve known you my whole life. I think that I feel more comfortable with you than with people I see every day._ **

**_And this is embarrassing but I’ve always sucked at talking to girls. Not that I’ve really tried talking to many girls but yeah, I always get awkward and say things that make no sense. But with you, I don’t feel awkward at all. You make me feel confident enough to be myself (now is when you tell me that you do think I’m awkward)_ **

**_I mean, I’m a dork, I’ve accepted that, I’ll never change that but with you it’s like I’m allowed to be a dork and that’s nice._ **

**_Now I’m the one getting emotional._ **

**_Uhm…I’m a 40 years old creepy man ha! Ha!….wow that was too lame even coming from me._ **

**_Yeah, I’m going to stop writing right now…Bye!!_** ♥”

**SEPTEMBER 2015 (15 and 17 years old)**

**_“Oh god I should stop writing to you right now after that joke because a) that was so lame and b) you know I have a thing for 40 years old creepy men (a thing as in I think they’re creepy, you don’t have to make another joke about that saying that I have a “love” thing for them). So I guess all I can do now is leave you to think about what you’ve said. I don’t think we can be friends anymore…_ **

**_Just kidding! I know you’re a dork, I’ve accepted it and to be honest I really like your dorkiness. There, I said it, don’t expect me to say it again though._ **

**_But seriously I really like the way you are and I’m glad you feel like you can be yourself with me_** ♥”

****

**OCTOBER 2015 (15 and 18 years old)**

**_“Awww look at my girl getting soft! You’re not as tough as you were a few years ago huh? Now you’re all soft and saying nice things to me. That’s so cute!_ **

**_Please don’t get mad, I’m just kidding haha._ **

**_But seriously your answer made me really happy, although you ruined my joke…yes…I was going to make a joke about you having a thing for old men. But I’ll forgive you because you’re you._ **

**_Hey in your next answer you should tell me about all of the amazing friends you’ll make during this month since you’re starting high school. I can’t wait to hear about it!_ ** **♥”**

‘My girl’. Sana kept repeating those two words in her mind on her way home. What did he mean with that? He called her ‘his girl’. Did he mean it as ‘my girl who is my friend’ or ‘my girl who is more than my friend’? Did he mean anything with that at all? With those thoughts in her mind she entered her house and went straight to the kitchen, not noticing that there was someone already there getting out of it.

She bumped into him and almost fell backwards but he was fast enough to grab her placing his hands on her elbows. She looked up and frowned at the unknown face.

 ** _“I’m sorry Sana, I didn’t see you”_**  he said

 ** _“Who are you?”_**  she asked

**_“Okay, wow…I’m Yousef…Elias’ friend? We met two months ago?”_ **

She looked at the boy confused. She couldn’t remember seeing him, she would remember that face. He was really handsome and attractive and hot and…stop staring Sana! She shook her head and tried to focus. Then it hit her, she did remember Elias saying something about her meeting a friend but she left the house before even looking at him. Now she felt embarrassed about her behavior but she remembered that she was going the book shop that day and she was in a rush.

 ** _“I’m sorry”_**  she said  ** _“Yeah, yeah, I remember you now. I was just distracted”_**

 ** _“Yeah, I could tell”_**  he chuckled

Was he mocking her? She frowned once more trying to decipher that boy. Her task was interrupted by her brother entering the room

**_“Oh I see you two have met again. You remember Yousef, right Sana?”_ **

**_“She does now”_**  he said

Sana rolled her eyes and shook her head

 ** _“Yeah well, I tend to forget thinks that aren’t important”_**  she said shrugging

 ** _“Wow, you were right Elias, your sister is super kind”_**  Yousef said half bitter half amused

 ** _“The kindest”_**  she said faking a smile  ** _“Well, see you around, I guess”_**

****

****

**NOVEMBER 2015 (15 and 18 years old)**

**_“Hi!!!! I’ve actually made some great friends during this month!!_ **

**_Especially there’s one girl I met in my German class and she’s super cool. She introduced me to these other girls and they’re really cool. We’re like the losers of the school but we’re the coolest losers so there’s that._ **

**_There’s this other group of girls though…they’re pretty mean. They’re like the popular girls that think that they own the place or something. I’m worried about one particular friend, she’s the best, she’s really strong but at the same time she’s fragile. I think that she’s very impressionable, she always wants everyone to love her and to fit in and I’m scared that she’s going to end up being hurt. She kind of reminds me of me in middle school. How I wanted to be popular and fit in and instead I started to sink because of other people’s comments? I really hope that she trusts us enough to tell us when something is wrong, not everyone can have a anonymous friend to tell them about their problems you know? :)_ ** **♥”**

**DECEMBER 2015 (15 and 18 years old)**

As every 1st day of every month Sana was walking to the book shop ready to find a new letter waiting for her. As she was about to enter the shop she bumped into someone and almost fell backwards but two hands held her to prevent her from falling.

 ** _“We really need to stop meeting like this”_**  she heard a voice saying

She looked up and there he was, Yousef, Elias’ friend once again blocking her way.

 ** _“I’m sorry I didn’t see you”_**  she apologized

 ** _“Do you ever see me?”_**  he joked

Sana frowned at him not sure if he meant it or not.

 ** _“I’m just joking, relax Sana”_** he said chuckling, god she really had perfect teeth.

Perfect teeth, Sana? What?

 ** _“So, what are you doing here?”_**  he asked, he seemed pretty keen on having a conversation with her

 ** _“Well, this is a book shop, what do you think?”_** she said glaring at him

 ** _“Yeah, definitely the kindest”_**   he said under his breath

Sana pressed her lips together trying not to smile, she had to admit that she wasn’t being the nicest person to him and still he was polite towards her.

**_“I’m sorry, I’m just…”_ **

**_“In a rush? As always? Yeah, don’t worry about it, I’ll see you around. Hope you find what you’re looking for”_**  he said walking past by her

She frowned confused

 ** _“What do you mean with that?”_**  she asked him

He turned around and looked at her for a moment as if he didn’t understand the question.

**_“This is a book shop, I guess you’re looking for a book? I just hope you find it…I was just trying to be nice, I guess that the concept is foreign to you”_ **

**_“Ha ha”_**  she said rolling her eyes ****

 ** _“Bye Sana”_**  he turned around once again and this time he finally left.

 -x-

This time she didn’t read the answer until she got home, she didn’t want to be interrupted.

**_“I’m really happy you hear that you’re making friends, it’s what you deserve._ **

**_And about your friend…please take care of her. She may seem okay and you may think that she’s doing just fine but maybe she’s not. Maybe she’s going through a rough patch. Maybe she’s thinking that she has no one and she just wants life to stop. And then you’ll be left wondering what you could’ve done for her. And this isn’t only about your friend but also about you. I know you’ve been through a lot in middle school and I’m afraid that being around those kind of girls again you’ll feel bad again. Please, PLEASE if you ever feel like life is too much PLEASE talk to someone, anyone. YOU’RE NOT ALONE. Please always remember that. Everything will be alright._ **

**_I’m sorry I just…something happened to a friend this year and…I don’t really want to talk about it, I hope you understand but…I just wanted to let you know that I’m here okay?”_ **

Sana’s stomach sank as she ended the letter. The fact that he had gone through that with his friend and he was worrying about her made her heart ache. That situation, even if she didn’t know the details, reminded her of something that had recently happened with one of Elias’ friends. She wasn’t supposed to know but she had heard her brother talking about it once.

As she was about to write her answer to leave it on the book shop the next month an image came to her mind. A boy, Yousef, coming out of the book shop just as she was going in…the similarities between that last letter and what had happened to one of her friends…could it be?

She shook her head, no, it couldn’t. Then she started to write.

**JANUARY 2016 (16 and 18 years old)**

**_“I’m sorry to hear about your friend. I completely understand that you don’t want to talk about it, I won’t pressure you. Just know that I’m here for you too okay? ALWAYS. And thank you for caring about me, it really means a lot. I really hope that things get better with you and your friend soon._ **

**_I’ve been wondering something…do you ever think about the possibility of us knowing each other? Like what if we’ve already met? What if we’re friends? What if we’re school mates? What if we’re neighbors? What if we are acquaintances? What if we just bumped into each other once? Have you ever thought about that? Because lately I have. Do you think we would know if we met each other? Do you think that we would feel something?_ **

**_I don’t know…I’m just rambling here right now._ **

**_But hey, it’ll be new year’s day when you read this so HAPPY NEW YEAR!_ ** **♥”** ****

****

**FEBRUARY 2016 (16 and 18 years old)**

**_“Thanks. I haven’t heard from my friend since it happened, I guess he needs time but yeah I hope that eventually things will get better._ **

**_And about your question…I’ve actually thought about it several times but I like to think that we don’t know each other. Because I think that I’d know it, you know? I’d feel it. Like I want to believe that if I ever saw you, if I ever saw the girl I like in person I’d know. At least that’s what I want to believe. I really, really want to. So I’m choosing to think that we don’t know each other and that if we ever meet we’ll feel it._ ** **♥”** ****

****

‘The girl I like’…her anonymous friend again with the cryptic messages. Maybe it was time for her to hint something too.

**MARCH 2016 (16 and 18 years old)**

**_“I want to believe that too. I want to believe that if I ever met you I’d know. I mean, we’re supposed to feel something special when we see the person we like right? So I guess that yeah, we’ll definitely feel it if we ever met. Unless we’re too focused on the letters that we don’t see what’s in front of us? I’ve actually thought about that too. But I like the first theory better to be honest._ **

**_I’ll read you in April!_ ** **♥”**

****

**APRIL 2016 (16 and 18 years old)**

**_“I was planning on acting cool about it but who am I kidding? I’m not cool._ **

**_What do you mean with “the person we like”? Do you mean as a general thing or did you mean…well, me? Because when I said the girl I like I meant you. I still mean it, I know this is weird because we’ve never seen each other but I like you. Like really like you,  not just as a friend, I like like you. What about you? Do you like me? But like really like me? Like you like like me? And now the word “like” is starting to sound weird. Ugh, I’m sorry this is embarrassing. Now is when you tell me you don’t like me at all and I feel stupid. But no pressure, just be honest…do you…well, like me?_ ** **♥”** ****

****

**MAY 2016 (16 and 18 years old)**

**** **_“I like you. I really like you. I like like you._ ** **♥”**


	6. Summer 2016 - Spring 2017

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to clarify something. In this chapter you’ll se that I’ve added some canon scenes from the show. But that doesn’t mean that everything that happened in the show is happening here too. For example if I used inshallah and I used det beste fra islam, that doesn’t mean that everything that happened between inshalla and det beste fra islam in the show also happened here. Basically in this fic only what is written happened. I don’t know if I’m explaining myself but I just don’t want you to be confused.

**JUNE 2016 (16 and 18 years old)**

  ** _“My heart is beating so fast and I’m not even embarrassed to say it. I can’t believe this is happening. You like me. You really like me. I’m a dork and you’re the coolest girl I’ve met and you like me. We haven’t even seen each other in person but you like me._**

**_I’m sorry I’m still trying to get my head around this…_ **

**_And now what? What should we do? I mean we like each other…should we…meet? Tell each other’s names at least?_ **

**_Or maybe we should see how this goes now that we know we like each other, see if our feelings change (I don’t think mine will) before we take the next step?_ **

**_I’ll do whatever you want to do_  ** **♥”** ****

**_-x-_ **

Sana read the letter with a smile on her face. This boy, whoever he was, was the sweetest guy she had ever met. He was willing to give her the space and time she needed. She wasn’t ready to meet him in person yet, she wasn’t ready to let go of the letters. She wasn’t ready to take the next step and knowing that he was willing to wait only made her feel better.

She was sitting in the kitchen when she heard steps approaching. She quickly folded the letter and put it on her pocket. She stood up ready to leave before she was seen. She thought that whoever that person was, was going to enter the kitchen from the living room door so she went to the other one only to bump into that said person.

 ** _“Seriously?!”_**  she said annoyed as she looked up at him ****

 ** _“Are you doing this on purpose?”_**  Yousef asked taking a step back ****

**_“You’re the one who’s in my house blocking my way. Seriously don’t you have a house?”_ **

**_“You really hate me, don’t you?”_**  he asked biting his lip

**_“I don’t hate you…you’re just everywhere. And where is Elias? Aren’t you supposed to be with him? Why are you always alone?”_ **

**_“Elias is in the bathroom and he told me to wait for him here”_ **

**_“Okay, whatever I was just going anyway”_ **

She walked past him and started her way to her bedroom

 ** _“Sana I’m sorry”_**  he called after her

 ** _“For what?”_**  she asked confused as she turned around

 ** _“For whatever I did to make you hate me”_**  he said looking at the floor

 ** _“I told you, I don’t hate you”_**  she sighed  ** _“I just, I get annoyed easily…I’m sorry too”_**

He looked up to her and showed her a genuine smile. For a millisecond Sana smiled back but then she turned around and finally left.

**JULY 2016 (16 and 18 years old)**

  ** _“Believe me I’m still trying to process everything too. No one’s ever liked me before. I’ve never felt likeable until you._**

**_And I hope you don’t mind but I don’t think we should see each other yet. Like you say we need to be sure of our feelings before we take the next step. I’m just not ready yet._ **

**_Oh by the way CONGRATS ON FINISHING HIGH SCHOOL!!! (‘cause I guess you’ve finished already right?)_ **

**_And you should be proud of me, I survived my first year and I made friends!! I have to say that it’s been a good year for me. Hope it’s been a good year for you too_  ** **♥”** ****

****

**AUGUST 2016 (16 and 18 years old)**

  **“ _I totally understand you and like I said I’ll do whatever you want. I have no rush at all._**

**_And THANK YOU! Finally I’m done with school!!_ **

**_And CONGRATS to you too!! I’m so proud of you, you deserve to be happy and I’m glad to hear that it’s been a good year for you and that I’ve been a tiny part of it. And yeah my year has been pretty good too. The best part of it? Your letters of course :)_ **

**_Hey I need to ask you something. You told me you had older brothers. Do you like your brothers’ friends? Like do you get along with them? If so can you PLEASE tell me how to do that? My best friend has a sister and I swear she hates me. And you know I wouldn’t mind that but he’s my best friend and I wouldn’t want our friendship to end because I can’t get along with his sister. It’s just that it seems that even seeing my face makes her angry. Maybe I should stop trying?_ **

**_Looking forward to September to receive your letter!_  ** **♥”** ****

**_-x-_ **

Sana looked from her window to the backyard where Elias and his friends were.

Reading the letter from her…what was he now? Was he still just his friend? Was he more than that? Well, reading the letter from him she had realized that she hadn’t tried to put herself in Elias’ friends’ shoes. She actually didn’t know why those boys annoyed her so much when they actually hadn’t done anything to her, especially Yousef who had been really nice to her even when she had been completely rude. If she wanted to give her boy a good advice she had to start by trying to understand what would make her feel better about those guys. Maybe that way she could tell him what to do about his friend’s sister. A tiny little part of Sana didn’t want him to get along with that girl, whoever she was, what if he fell for her? But she tried to keep that part of her in silence, she couldn’t think like that. He was asking her for advice because he trusted her, the least she could do was trusting him back.

**SEPTEMBER 2016 (16 and 18 years old)**

  ** _“Hi there!!_**

**_I don’t know if I’m the right person to give you advice about that because well, I don’t really get along with my brothers’ friends but I think that trying to help you I’ll help myself._ **

**_I hadn’t stopped to think about why I don’t get along with them but after reading your letter I tried to ask myself that question. And I came to the conclusion that maybe I’m a little bit jealous. I see them being such good friends and they make my brother so happy that sometimes I feel kind of left out, you know? I know I have my friends and I love them but I don’t know, it’d be nice to hang out with my brother and his friends sometimes too. And it’s not that he doesn’t ask me too, he does but he’s my brother, he’s supposed to do that. So I guess that what I’m trying to say is that maybe you should ask your friend’s sister if she wants to hang out with you, maybe that will make her feel accepted. And I don’t know maybe try to ask her about her day? About things she likes? But also try to give her space in case she feels anxious when people try really hard to make her talk, I know I do sometimes._ **

**_I don’t know if this will work at all but I really hope it does._ **

**_And I mean I don’t think you have nothing to worry about, who wouldn’t like you?_  ** **♥”** ****

**_-x-_ **

He started with a “good afternoon” or a “good morning” every time he’d see her. He was trying to follow her advice of giving Sana space.

Two weeks after receiving the letter, two weeks after trying to be nice to Sana but without making her feel anxious he decided to take the next step on his “try to get along with Sana plan”

He was in the Bakkoush’s backyard with Elias, Mutta, Adam and Mikael playing basketball when Sana came out and approached them

**_“Elias, mamma wants to know if your friends are staying for dinner”_ **

**_“Uh, yeah they are”_ **

**_“Okay”_**  Sana nodded

 ** _“Hey Sana”_**  Yousef called her before she could leave “ ** _Would you like to play with us? I’m sure you’re better than Elias”_**

 ** _“Everyone is better than Elias”_**  Sana said  ** _“But uhm…yeah, sure, if you guys don’t mind?”_**

She looked at the boys anxiously. Yousef’s offer had taken her by surprise but she really liked the idea of playing with them

 ** _“Of course you can Sana, you know you’re always welcome”_** Elias said  ** _“Even when you’re being rude to me”_**

 ** _“I’m not being rude”_**  she told him as she approached him and took the ball from him  ** _“I’m being honest”_**

Yousef couldn’t help but laugh. Sana’s snarky comments were a lot more funny when they weren’t directed at him. Sana heard him laugh and looked at him, for a brief moment they stared into each other’s eyes before breaking into a smile. Sana was the first one who broke the eye contact as she walked towards the hoop and threw the ball. Game on.

**OCTOBER 2016 (16 and 19 years old)**

  ** _“Hey!!_**

 ** _You actually helped me a lot! I followed your advice and I’ve started to make progress with my friend’s sister. At least now she doesn’t roll her eyes at me every time she sees me. That’s something, right? I just want her to at least tolerate me, you know? And I actually think she’s a pretty cool girl. But don’t worry, you’re still my favorite girl_  ** **♥**   ** _”_**

**_-x-_ **

Sana smiled to herself as she remembered the last sentence of the letter. She was trying to study for her biology test but she couldn’t focus properly.

 ** _“I didn’t know studying biology could be fun”_**  she heard a voice she was starting to recognize saying

She looked at and saw Yousef leaning against the kitchen’s door frame.

**_“What?”_ **

**_“You were smiling while reading your biology book. Smiling and biology don’t belong to the same sentence”_ **

**_“Well I happen to really like this subject”_**  she said matter-of-factly

 ** _“Why doesn’t it surprise me?”_**  he chuckled

 ** _“Are you saying I’m a nerd?”_** she asked raising her eyebrows

**_“No, I’m saying that you’re smart, smarter than me I’m sure”_ **

Sana smiled at his words. ‘You’re smarter than me’, that’s something his letter boy would usually say to her.

Yousef’s lips curved into a smile, that was probably the first time Sana had smiled at something he had said and for whatever reason that felt really good.

 ** _“Well I was on my way out actually but I stopped to say bye so…bye”_**  Yousef said

**_“Bye, Yousef”_ **

**NOVEMBER 2016 (16 and 19 years old)**

  _“ **I’m really glad to hear that!! That you’ve made progress with your best friend’s sister and that I’m still your favorite girl. I’ve actually started to hang out a little bit more with my brother’s friends too. But don’t worry, you’re still my second favorite guy…after Stephen Curry ;)**_   **♥”**

****

**DECEMBER 2016 (16 and 19 years old)**

  ** _“Wow…that hurt me girl, that really hurt me. I can’t believe you did that. I’m your second favorite guy? Okay, fine, I’m here being all nice saying that you’re my favorite girl but I’m only your second after Stephen freaking Curry. Wow…just, wow._**

**_At least I don’t have to worry about him because there’s a big chance you’ll never meet him. But then again there’s also a big chance we will never meet…Oh god I should be worried, shouldn’t I?_ **

**_Fine, I’ll take second place…it’s better than anything. Honestly I’d take any place with you_  ** **♥”** ****

**_-x-_ **

Sana never really did anything special for her birthday. Since it was on Christmas day her friends were celebrating with their family so she would just stay at home and spend some time with her parents and her brothers. She actually didn’t matter, birthdays weren’t that big of a deal for her.

The day she turned 17 she spent the morning playing basketball with her brother. Since they had stopped going to the cabin a few months ago they would stay the holidays in their house. Then after lunch Elias’ friends, Mutta, Mikael and Adam, had come over and all of them had chilled in the living room. Ever since that time she had played basketball with them she had started to hang out more with them. She actually really liked those guys, they were all really nice to her, especially Yousef, who for whatever reason wasn’t there that day. Her new found sort of friendship with Yousef kind of surprised Sana at first since she hadn’t been the nicest person to him in the past but they had somehow gotten past that and now they were at least polite to each other. They had had a few little conversations during the past few months and Sana had realized that he was actually a pretty nice guy.

There was actually something in him, even if Sana didn’t want to admit it, that reminded her of her letter boy. The ‘you’re smarter than me’ comment was still in her mind. And she did see him once going out of the book shop last year. The reason Sana didn’t want to admit that was because she didn’t want to be disappointed. What if she convinced herself that he was her guy and then he wasn’t? Or worse, what if he was his guy and they wouldn’t work? Or even worse, what if he was disappointed when he’d find out? No, there was no way Yousef could be her guy, she wouldn’t accept that.

After they had been in the living room for awhile someone knocked on the front door. Sana stood up and went to open it.

 ** _“Hi”_**  Sana said as she saw Yousef standing in the other side of the door

 ** _“Hey, happy birthday”_**  he greeted her with a smile

 ** _“How do you know?”_** she asked confused as she let him in

 ** _“Elias mentioned it a couple of weeks ago”_**  Yousef said biting his lip

 ** _“Oh…well thanks”_**  she thanked him a little bit shocked about him remembering when her birthday was.

She then rolled her eyes internally. Of course he’d remember, it was Christmas day.

 ** _“The boys are in the living room”_**  Sana said as she led the way

 ** _“Yousef man, finally!”_** Elias yelled as they entered the room.  ** _“Did you bring it?”_**

 ** _“Yeah, it’s right here.”_**  Yousef said handing the bag he was carrying to him  ** _“Why did you make me pick this up from that store? What is it?”_**

 ** _“It’s Sana’s birthday present”_**  Elias said as he stood up and walked to his sister

**_“Mine?”_ **

**_“Yeah, I wanted to pick it up myself but sis you wouldn’t leave me alone”_**  he chuckled

**_“Well, I’m sorry for wanting to spend time with my brother”_ **

**_“Just open it”_**  he said shaking his head

Sana rolled her eyes but opened the present. She gasped when she realized what it was, a Stephen Curry jersey.

 ** _“Oh my god Elias, thank you!”_** she said hugging her brother ****

**_“I knew you’d like it, since you’re obsessed with Stephen Curry”_ **

That sentence caught Yousef’s attention. Even if he didn’t want to admit it, lately he had had his suspicions about Sana being his letter girl. She was a muslim girl who wore a hijab just like his girl. She was the same age his girl was. She had two brothers and only recently she had started to hang out with him and his friends, just like his girl. But then, ever since he started to hang out with Elias he had never heard him talk about going to a cabin for the holidays and he had spent pretty much every break in his house and as far as he knew, his girl still went to the cabin. Also, the fact that Sana liked Stephen Curry didn’t have to mean anything. Any girl could like him.

The truth was that Yousef didn’t want to admit that Sana might be that girl because what if she wasn’t? He’d be disappointed. Or worse, what if she was and then they didn’t work out? Or even worse, what if she was the one disappointed that he was her letter boy?

No, there was no way that Sana was his girl.

**JANUARY 2017 (17 and 19 years old)**

  ** _“Hahaha I’m sorry! You know I like you but Stephen Curry is the man of my dreams but okay fine I think I’d settle for you since like you say there’s a big chance that I’ll never meet Stephen._**

**_And about you and me meeting…it’ll happen, I promise it’ll happen. I just…I don’t feel like I’m ready to let go of the letters yet. I’m scared, what if we don’t work out outside the letters? What if we’re disappointed with each other? I don’t know…I’d like to wait a little bit longer if that’s okay with you._ **

**_It doesn’t mean that I don’t like you. I do. Your letters are pretty much the best thing of the month._  ** **♥”** ****

**_-x-_ **

**_“I didn’t know you were bringing all of your friends, Elias”_**  Sana said as she met her brother and his friends outside the locker room.

She had just finished her basketball match. Her team had won and she had been named mvp of the game.

 ** _“We all came here to support you, Sana”_**  Mutta said with a smile

 ** _“Yeah, and for the food”_**  Adam added showing her his bag of chips.

Sana shook her head and laugh. These boys had been cheering for her the whole match, especially one of them.

 ** _“You were great out there Sana”_**  Yousef said  ** _“Amazingly great”_**

 ** _“Thanks, Yousef”_**  she answered looking at him and biting her lip.

He smiled back at her and scratched the back of his neck nervously. And then the battle of stares began. Lately, every time they were in the same room they would find themselves staring at each other with shy smiles and not saying anything until someone would interrupt them or one of them would just give up. Neither of them knew how or when it had started but it seemed like kind of a habit now.

**FEBRUARY 2017 (17 and 19 years old)**

  ** _“Hey, I told you, I’ll do whatever you want. There’s no rush at all._**

**_I actually get what you mean, I have to admit that it scares me too and like you say maybe we should wait a little bit longer, see how this goes._ **

**_And you know I like you too, I always look forward to your letters and you always, always make me smile_  ** **♥”** ****

**_-x-_ **

**_“Sana? Hey, what are you doing here?”_**  he asked as he approached her

 ** _“Well, we’re at a food store…what do you think I’m doing here?”_**  she answered

A few months ago this conversation would’ve been tense, right now it was lighthearted. Sana chuckled after talking showing Yousef that she was teasing him and he couldn’t help but smile at that.

 ** _“Yeah, you’re right, dumb question”_** he said nodding

 ** _“It’s fine, I won’t tell anyone”_**  she said in a low voice

 ** _“It’ll be our secret, then”_**  he whispered back

Sana shook her head and laughed as she went to the cashier to pay for her food. Yousef who had only gone to the store to buy some juice followed her.

**_“Wow, ice cream and crisps, someone is having a party”_ **

**_“Yeah, with my books”_**  she said  ** _“I have to study for an exam that I have tomorrow and I need strength”_**

**_“I’m sure you’ll do great”_ **

It was Sana’s turn to pay now but Yousef took a step forward and grabbed his wallet.

 ** _“Let me take care of this”_**  he said pointing at her stuff

 ** _“What? No, no, no”_**  she refused

 ** _“Come on, consider it as my good-luck-in-you-exam-gift”_**  he told her handing the money to the seller

 ** _“That doesn’t exist”_**  she said tilting her head slightly

 ** _“It does now”_**  he shrugged taking the bag with the stuff and leading the way outside

 ** _“I’ll find a way to pay you back”_**  Sana said as they got out of the store

**_“It’s really not necessary, I’ll probably eat half of that ice cream next time I’m at your house anyway”_ **

**_“Ha! You wouldn’t dare”_**  she laughed  ** _“Well I guess I’ll see you around”_**

**_“Yeah…uh…I can walk you home if you want to?”_ **

**_“You don’t have to”_**  she said looking at the floor

**_“It’s fine, I was planning on visiting Elias anyway, and maybe you can share that ice cream with me”_ **

**_“Not gonna happen”_**  she said shaking her head

**_“I’ll have to convince you in the way home then”_ **

****

**MARCH 2017 (17 and 19 years old)**

  ** _“Thank you for understanding once again. I’m glad that we’re both in the same page, then._**

**_So tell me something about your life, how is life treating you after high school?_  ** **♥”** ****

**_-x-_ **

**_“Hey, can we talk?”_**  Yousef whispered as he entered the kitchen

 ** _“Why are you whispering?”_**  Sana asked

Yousef looked behind him before replying

**_“Elias is talking on the phone right now so I took the chance to come and talk to you”_ **

**_“Still not explaining why you’re whispering”_ **

**_“I need to ask you for advice for his birthday present”_ **

**_“Ohhh, okay sure”_**  she said now whispering too ****

Yousef approached her and showed her his phone

**_“What do you think of these?”_ **

**_“Oh god Yousef he’d love that, he’s been saving money to buy them since forever”_**  she said as she saw the picture of a pair of basketball trainers Elias wanted  ** _“But they’re really expensive”_**

**_“Yeah, well he’s my best friend and I’ve been saving money too”_ **

Sana smiled fondly at him, Elias really deserved a friend like Yousef. And it wasn’t because he was willing to buy him an expensive gift. It was because Yousef had taken the time to think about what he’d want and save money for it.

 ** _“He’s going to love them”_**  she said smiling at him

He smiled back and once again they stared at each other’s eyes until Elias came in the room looking for him

**APRIL 2017 (17 and 19 years old)**

**** **_“Well, I’m working at the moment. I’m not going to college, at least not yet because I didn’t really know what to study. So I’m working to help my parents and because I don’t want to just sit and do nothing. And I actually like my job a lot, it has to do with kids and I really love kids._ **

**_How about you? How is your second year of high school treating you?_  ** **♥”** ****

**_-x-_ **

Why did her heart beat faster and faster every time she saw him? Why didn’t that happen with the rest of the guys? She was supposed to see Yousef as she saw Mutta, Mikael and Adam. But she didn’t. She would always smile when she saw him, she would get really nervous and sometimes even forget what she was going to say. She felt the anticipation every time she’d see him approaching her. She had never felt like that…well, she had…she still did, but not with a real person, with her pen pal.

Lately her mind had been wondering more than ever if there was any possibility of Yousef being her letter boy. He was muslim, he was the same age he was, she knew he was working although she didn’t know where and if that involved kids. It could be, right? There was a possibility that he was her letter boy. She was still scared about that thought but at the same time she was excited. Could that be possible? Had she found her boy?

 -x-

His heart skipped a beat as their eyes met. His heart always did that every time he saw Sana lately. Why was that happening to him? She was supposed to be only Elias’ little sister and nothing more. He wasn’t supposed to be looking forward to see her every time he was in her house. He wasn’t supposed to find any excuse to talk to her. He wasn’t supposed to feel like that, he wasn’t supposed to feel about Sana the way he felt about his mysterious letter girl.

But lately he hadn’t been able to shake the feeling that maybe, maybe, maybe, both girls were the same person. He knew there were lots of coincidences, he had enumerated them in his mind several times. But he still needed confirmation somehow although he was scared of that. He didn’t want to be disappointed, he didn’t want that confirmation to be negative. But at the same time he was excited at that possibility. Could that be possible? Had he found his girl?

 -x-

Without thinking about it he took the chance and entered the kitchen telling his friends that he was going to find something to drink. The truth was that he had seen Sana’s mom leaving the room and he had taken it as a sign for him to talk to her.

 ** _“How did you get so good at peeling carrots?”_** Sana asked as she leaned against counter watching him

**_“I work in a kindergarten. I peel a lot of things for the kids”_ **

Sana’s heart stopped for a moment. Was it possible?

 ** _“You work in a kindergarten?”_**  she asked, she needed to be sure she had heard correctly

**_“Yes”_ **

**_“Huh. So you like kids then?”_ **

She watched him leave the room with her brother by his side. As soon as she was left alone she rested her back against the counter and grinned widely. He worked in a kindergarten. He liked kids, he wanted to have 12 kids!. It was him, Yousef was her anonymous boy, he had to be.

 -x-

What if he kind of made her write to him? That’d be a good way to try to find out if she was his girl. But how would he made her write to him? Who would send letters nowadays, apart from him of course. No, he had to find another way.  That’s it. Text messages, it was the most similar thing as letters. Maybe if he and Sana texted each other he could see if there was any sign that would confirm that she was his girl.

He opened his facebook account and added her.

 -x-

She was surprised at first when she saw that Yousef had added her on facebook but at the same time she was very excited. Was he feeling the same way as she did? Did he know that she was his penpal? Was he trying to confirm it in any way? Sana didn’t have answers for those questions, all she knew was that she really enjoyed texting Yousef, his jokes, his memes, his support with her russbus. It was like starting their letter relationship all over again.

 -x-

It was supposed to be a bus meeting. She had never intended it to become a party but of course the peximaxi girls had brought alcohol, of course they had put music on and of course they had turned it into a party.

Sana wasn’t worried though because she thought her parents weren’t coming home that day. But of course, she was Sana Bakkoush and she couldn’t be that lucky. When Elias came with his friends, Yousef among them, and told them that their parents were downstairs she made all the girls leave and she tried to clean up everything. But, as mentioned before, she was Sana Bakkoush and she couldn’t be that lucky.

Of course she had forgotten a bottle and of course her parents had found it. She was about to confess when Yousef stepped up and took the blame for her. She had never felt so good and so bad at the same time. Good because Yousef had done that for her, he cared about her. Bad because she felt really guilty and she knew that now her parents wouldn’t look at him the same way.

 -x-

Once she entered her room she took her phone and opened her conversation with Yousef.

 **Sana Bakkoush:** Thanks

 **Yousef Acar:** No worries **♥** ****

 **Sana Bakkoush:** I’ll find a way to convince mom that you’re a good muslim even though you drink vodka

 **Yousef Acar:**  Hahaha that’s okay, I’m not muslim

 **Sana Bakkoush:** What do you mean?

 **Yousef Acar:** I don’t believe in Allah

He wasn’t him. Yousef wasn’t her letter boy. He wasn’t him. She had tried so hard not to get her hopes up for so long and when she was convinced that he was her boy he…he just wasn’t him. And the worst part was that she hadn’t just lost him as her possible letter boy, she had also lost him as Yousef because if he wasn’t muslim…how were they going to have a chance?

**MAY 2017 (17 and 19 years old)**

  ** _“I’m glad to hear that you like your job. School is going great. I’m passing all my exams and I’m the bus leader of my group. So yeah, everything is fine._  ** **♥”**

**_-x-_ **

She hadn’t answered his texts. Since he had told her that he wasn’t muslim, a week ago, she hadn’t answered him and she’d avoid him every time he was at her house.

He knew he should’ve told her sooner, before that thing between them, whatever it was, had started. But he was scared, scared of losing her, just like he had done now.

He still had one last shred of hope though, the confirmation of her being his letter girl. If she was truly her maybe he could still have a chance.

 -x-

 ** _“Elias, can I ask you something about Sana?”_**  Yousef asked hesitantly as Elias and him were chilling at Yousef’s house

**_“I guess?”_ **

**_“It’s just uh…Sana…does she get along with your brother’s girlfriend, well, fiancée?”_ **

**_“With Jamilla? Why would you ask that? You don’t even know her”_**  Elias said confused

**_“Please just answer the question”_ **

**_“No, Sana and Jamilla don’t get along at all, in fact I think they may hate each other”_ **

**_“Are you sure?”_ **

**_“Yes, it’s been like that since like forever”_ **

Yousef nodded as he felt his heart break. That was it. She wasn’t her. The girl from his letters had a great relationship with her sister-in-law, she had been the one that “saved” her from her bullies in middle school. Sana didn’t even like Jamilla. Sana spent all the holidays in Oslo. Sana didn’t go to any cabin. Sana just wasn’t his girl.

Now he had lost her as Sana and as his letter girl.

 -x-

**_“Hi, it’s Yousef, sorry for calling but I don’t really know what to do with Elias”_ **

**_“What happened?”_ **

**_“Elias is totally wasted and wants to go home to sleep, but I don’t think that’s a good idea”_ **

**_“Where are you?”_ **

**_-x-_ **

After she got that call from Yousef, she and Noora had gone to meet them and they have taken Elias to Noora’s house. Then, Yousef had offered to walk her home. At first Sana said no, it was really uncomfortable seeing him after avoiding him for a week but he insisted.

Somehow they ended up playing basketball. She had to admit that she hadn’t had such a good time in a long time.

After the game, she couldn’t help herself and asked him why he didn’t believe in Allah. His answer, that he had stopped believing after what had happened to Even, that he still had the same values but he just didn’t believe, took her by surprise.

She listened to him and he listened to her and they both had a conversation about the important stuff.

Sana hadn’t felt so comfortable talking to someone since…well, since she had started talking to her letter boy. That thought made her sad for a moment, she was still really disappointed to know that Yousef wasn’t him, but at the same time, knowing that she could feel comfortable with a real person and not just with a piece of paper made her believe that maybe, Yousef and her still had a chance.

 -x-

 ** _“What was I going to say?”_**  he asked as he shook his head

They were standing outside her front door, staring at each other’s eyes.

**_“Sana!”_ **

Yousef and Sana looked to her house startled, her mom was in the window waiting for her to come in.

Sana looked back at Yousef and smiled shyly

 ** _“Bye then”_** she said as she turned around and entered her house

 ** _“Bye”_**  he whispered after her.

 -x-

He looked at her as she left. If that afternoon had showed him something was that, even if they were different, even if they had different opinions, he knew they could make it work. That afternoon showed him that he had real feelings for Sana and that maybe, just maybe, she had feelings for him too. But then there were the feelings he had for his letter girl. Now he knew that she wasn’t Sana. That meant that he had feelings for two different girls.

 -x-

She looked at him from her window as he stood there in the street for a few minutes after she left. If that afternoon had showed her something was that, even if they were different, even if they had different opinions, she knew they could make it work. That afternoon showed her that she had real feelings for Yousef and that maybe, just maybe, he had feelings for her too. But then there were the feelings she had for her letter boy. Now she knew he wasn’t Yousef. That meant she had feelings for two different boys.

 -x-

They would have to make a choice.

Take a risk and bet on a relationship with a person that had been in their lives for years but they still didn’t know who they were or take a just as big risk and bet on a chance of a relationship with the person they had right in front of them, knowing that with that, what they already had, could be lost forever.

——-x——–


	7. Summer 2017 - Spring 2018

**JUNE 2017 (17 and 19 years old)**

**_“I’m glad to hear that too. I’m happy your school year was good :) You really deserve that. And I had no doubt that you were going to pass your exams, like I’ve said many times, you’re really smart xx”_ **

**_-x-_ **

The heat was killing her. She had been playing basketball all by herself for an hour now. She didn’t exactly know why but she had been feeling really anxious lately. Well, she did know why, she just didn’t want to admit it. She was a mess. She didn’t know what to do.

On the one hand there was Yousef. Ever since that evening they had spent together they had gotten closer. They hadn’t really talked about them but they would always smile to each other whenever they would see each other, they had been texting nonstop about random things and they had had little conversations here and there.

On the other hand there was her penpal. She had read and reread his last letter several times and still she didn’t even know what to answer. It was like she didn’t have anything to tell him, anything to talk to him about. But they had been writing each other for 6 years now and he had made her feel loved and supported when she needed it the most. That had to mean something, right?

She threw the ball but she missed the hoop. She sighed and turned around to go look for the ball but froze when she saw him standing there, ball in his hands.

She pressed her lips together trying to hold the smile but she failed and ended up grinning like an idiot. Fortunately, Yousef was smiling at her too.

 ** _“Can I have it?”_**  she asked him pointing at the ball

 ** _“Come to get it”_**  he said shrugging

She tilted her head and glared at him, a smirk still showing in her lips

**_“Seriously? Just give it to me”_ **

**_“Seriously? Just come and get it”_**  he said imitating her

She chuckled and shook her head. Sana approached him ready to take the ball from him but he dodge her and ran to the hoop.

 ** _“Oh, game on”_** She said as she ran to him and this time she took the ball from him.

They played for awhile, the two of them alone until Elias eventually joined them.

**JULY 2017 (17 and 19 years old)**

**_“Thank you. You’re really nice for being happy for me. And of course I’m a smart girl, smarter than you xx”_ **

**_-x-_ **

At least now he knew that he wasn’t the only one that didn’t know what to say anymore. Maybe it was his fault. Maybe his anonymous girl had noticed that he hadn’t been really into the letter thing lately and was tired of him. It was definitely his fault. But he couldn’t help it. Somehow his feelings had changed in the past few months. One day the letters were all he could think about and suddenly every time he closed his eyes all he saw was her smile, Sana’s smile.

**AUGUST (17 and 19 years old)**

**_“You’re welcome!! Yeah, you’re definitely smarter than me, but well, that isn’t that difficult to be honest haha xx”_ **

**_-x-_ **

**_“We should go have an ice cream”_**  Yousef suggested one August afternoon as him, the boys and Sana were chilling in the Bakkoush living room.

 ** _“Yes please!”_**  Sana agreed

 ** _“Nah, I’m okay right here, I don’t feel like going outside”_**  Elias said  ** _“But you two could go if you want, we’ll wait right here”_**

 ** _“I think I’d like an ice cream too”_**  Adam said thinking

 ** _“Are you sure, Adam? I think you’d prefer to stay here”_**  Mikael, who was sitting right next to him said maybe too intensely

 ** _“I actually think that I’d like an ice crea…”_**  Mutta started but shut up as Elias nudged him slightly  ** _“Uh, yeah I think I’ll stay here but Yousef, Sana you should totally go”_**

 ** _“Hmmm…okay? I mean we can stay if you want”_**  Sana said confused

 ** _“No, no, no, just go, come on have your ice cream, we’ll be fine”_** Elias insisted

 ** _“You want to go?”_**  Yousef asked Sana hesitantly

She looked at him and shrugged

**_“Sure”_ **

****

Soon their visits to the ice cream place became more frequent. They would be with the boys and if one of them wanted to have an ice cream the other one would offer to go with them. and basically every time that one of the group wanted something from someplace Sana and Yousef would be the ones in charge of going to pick it up, it wasn’t like any of them were going to complain about spending some time alone anyway.

**SEPTEMBER 2017 (17 and 19 years old)**

_“ **Oh god, oh god I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. I’m leaving the letter on the 3 rd of September instead of the 1st. I’m so so sorry. I just…I’ve been really busy lately and I’ve completely forgotten about it. I mean, I haven’t forgotten about you, I just I was busy. I’m sorry”**_

**_-x-_ **

Yousef couldn’t help but chuckle bitterly when he read the letter. The girl was apologizing for leaving the letter in the book store three days letter than she should’ve. He had come to pick it up 5 days later. He had completely forgotten about it and had only remembered that day, on the 5th of September.

On the 1st of September he had spent the day with Sana.

He was on his way to book shop actually, to see if the letter was already there but he had ran into Sana a few blocks from the shop and they had decided to go for a coffee. In the end they had spent the whole afternoon together and by the time he walked her home he had completely forgotten about the letter and it hadn’t been until 5 days later that he had remembered it.

 -x-

 **Sana Bakkoush:** Happy birthday!! Wow you’re 20 already. Feel old yet?

 **Yousef Acar:** Thank you so much!!! I like to think of myself as mature and not old

 **Sana Bakkoush:** Nah, you’re old

 **Yousef Acar:** Then you’re a little girl?

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  Nope, my age is perfect

 **Yousef Acar:**  You really are perfect

 **Yousef Acar:** Your age I mean

 **Yousef Acar:** Your age is perfect

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  Thanks xx

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  Well in case I don’t see you today, happy birthday!

 **Yousef Acar:**  Actually

 **Yousef Acar:** I’m spending the evening with the boys but I’m free now if you want to meet?

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  Sure! We can have an ice cream, and this time I’m inviting you

 **Yousef Acar:**  We’ll see about that

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  Consider it as my birthday present

 **Yousef Acar:** Fine, I’ll see you in a bit xx

**OCTOBER 2017 (17 and 20 years old)**

**_“It’s fine don’t worry about it. To be honest I wasn’t in the store on the 1 st either. I’ve had a pretty busy month too. So yeah don’t even worry about it! x”_ **

**_-x-_ **

She felt so bad about all of this. She felt as she was cheating on the letter boy. She was trying so hard to keep interested and focused on him, she really was but the moment she let her mind wander another boy would come to her mind, Yousef.

They had been hanging out more and more in the recent months. Nothing serious, just two friends spending some time together. But for Sana it was more than that. It was something she really looked forward to. She found herself spending almost every afternoon with Elias and his friends. Now even Sana’s friend had joined them, it helped that Chris had a clear crush on Mutta and Noora, even if she didn’t want to admit it, liked Elias. They would all hang out as a group but eventually Sana would always end up in a corner, talking with Yousef about random things until someone would interrupt them.

The confirmation of her struggle came the previous month when while she was on her way to the book store she had ran into Yousef and she had completely forgotten about the letter. In the end she had gone to the store three days later and she had had to rewrite her letter, not that it said anything interesting anyway, to apologize for being late.

At least it did seem like the boy wasn’t that into the letters anymore. But maybe that was her fault, maybe he had realized that she was losing interest and he was pissed at her. She wouldn’t blame him if he was.

**NOVEMBER 2017 (17 and 20 years old)**

**_“So tell me something about your life lately. Still working? You know I’ve started my last year of high school and it’s going really good :)”_ **

**_-x-_ **

**_“Here”_**  Yousef said as he placed a glass of tea in front of Sana.

She had been studying in the kitchen the whole Saturday mmorning. The boys were at home and even though they had insisted on her joining them she had declined the offer. She had a huge history exam on Monday and she had to study.

After a few hours Yousef had entered the kitchen with the excuse of wanting something to drink. What Sana wasn’t expecting was for him to pour a glass for her too.

 ** _“What is this for?”_**  she asked looking up at him

 ** _“You deserve a break. You’ve been studying really hard today”_** he said as he sat down on the chair next to her.

**_“Thanks”_ **

She smiled at him and took a sip of her drink

**_“I really need to keep studying though, this exam is killing me”_ **

**_“Oh come on, you’re Sana Bakkoush, you’re the smartest girl I know”_ **

**_“Not in history”_**  she sighed

**_“I loved history back in high school, maybe I can try to help?”_ **

**_“Yeah?”_**  she asked biting her lip

**_“Yeah, of course, give me those books, I’m about to blow your mind up”_ **

She laughed and shook her head as she pushed the books closer to him.

**DECEMBER 2017 (17 and 20 years old)**

**_“I’m sorry but I have to be honest with you. I think I like another girl…well I know I like her…I think I may be falling in love with her. I’m so sorry I didn’t mean for this to happen, it just…happened. There’s nothing going on, we’ve only hanged out a couple of times and to be honest I don’t even think she has feelings for me but…I felt like I needed to tell you. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I do, you’re really important for me, you’ve been in my life for six years. But I had to be honest with you. I hope you don’t hate me”_ **

**_-x-_ **

Was she a bad person if she kind of felt relieved at the thought that her penpal liked another girl? Now at least she didn’t feel that guilty about liking Yousef because her letter boy was in the same situation as her.

And was she even a worse person if she kind of felt a little bit jealous of that mysterious girl he liked? She knew she had no right to feel like that especially when she also liked another guy but for a long time she had felt like the only one, the special girl for someone and knowing that she wasn’t that anymore stung a little bit.

 -x-

 **Yousef Acar:**  Are you at home?

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  Yeah, my mom made a cake for me

 **Yousef Acar:** Do you think they’ll mind if I go there for just a moment?

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  Of course not! You’re here all the time anyway hahah

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  Are you meeting Elias or..?

 **Yousef Acar:** Actually I want to see you, wish you a happy birthday

 **Sana Bakkoush:** Oh

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  Thanks

 **Yousef Acar** : I’m at the door xx

 -x-

 ** _“Hey”_**  Sana greeted Yousef as she opened the door

 ** _“Hi”_**  he said smiling

**_“Come in”_ **

She stepped aside and they both stood in the hallway

 ** _“Happy birthday”_**  he almost whispered to her

 ** _“Thank you”_**  she said biting her lip trying to hide the smile, lately all she did around him was smiling and she didn’t want to be that obvious

**_“I…I have something for you”_ **

He handed her a gift bag he was holding. She took it with trembling hands and looked at him surprised.

**_“You didn’t have to get me anything…I didn’t buy you anything for your birthday”_ **

**_“Yeah you did, you bought me ice cream”_**  he said matter-of-factly

**_“But that wasn’t anything special”_ **

**_“It was for me”_**  he said shrugging

This time she couldn’t hold the smile and grinned at him

 ** _“Well, are you opening it or what?”_**  he asked raising his eyebrow

Sana nodded and introduced her hand on the bag. Her fingers touched a soft cloth and when she pulled it out she realized what it was.

 The previous week, as they had agreed to go buy some food for them and the boys, Sana and Yousef had walked by a store that had lots of scarves. Right in that moment Yousef’s mom had called him to remind him to buy some stuff on his way home so Sana had took the chance and while Yousef was talking with his mom she had stood there looking at the shop’s window.

 ** _“Like something?”_**  she had heard Yousef said behind her

**_“Huh? No, just waiting for you”_ **

**_“They’re nice”_**  he said as he stood next to her both looking at the shop

 ** _“Yeah, they really are”_**  she agreed, then she added more to herself than to him  ** _“I don’t have a purple one…I might buy that one someday”_**

 ** _“Do you want to go in?”_**  he asked her

 ** _“No, it’s fine, we have to get those boys their food or they’ll kill us”_**  she said as she walked away from the store and restarted her way to the food place

Two days later she had come back to the shop to buy that purple scarf she had liked but it had been sold.

Now she was holding it in her hands.

 ** _“You…you went back?”_**  she asked in shock

 ** _“Well…yeah”_** he said biting his bottom lip  ** _“I thought it’d be a nice birthday gift…you seemed to really like it and I’m sure you’ll look beautiful with it”_**

She blushed and looked at the floor.

**_“I…I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable…I didn’t mean to overstep, maybe…maybe I shouldn’t have bought it…maybe this is personal stuff that you like to buy yourself…I’m really sorry if I…”_ **

**_“Yousef”_**  she interrupted him, her eyes on his  ** _“I love it. Thank you, thank you so much”_**

Yousef sighed in relief and smiled widely at her. She returned the smile. They probably would’ve spent the next 15 minutes just looking at each other if Mamma Bakkoush hadn’t interrupted them

**_“Hi Yousef, it’s nice to see you”_ **

**_“Hi Mrs. Bakkoush, I’m sorry I came on such short notice I just…I wanted to wish Sana a happy birthday”_** he said nervously

 ** _“Oh don’t worry about it, you know you’re always welcomed in this house”_**  she said, she looked at Sana who was still holding the gift and added  ** _“Especially if you bring such nice gifts, that looks lovely Yousef”_**

 ** _“It’s the one I told you about mamma, the one I saw in the store”_**  Sana told her mom

 ** _“So, so lovely”_**  her mom said  ** _“So, Yousef, are you joining us for the cake?”_**

**_“Uh, I don’t want to bother”_ **

**_“Nonsense, you don’t bother, you’re almost part of the family”_ **

**_“Stay”_**  Sana said more eagerly than she wanted to  ** _“I mean, if you don’t have anything to do…I’m sure Elias will like to see you”_**

**_“Um, okay, yeah, I’ll stay”_ **

****

**JANUARY 2018 (18 and 20 years old)**

**_“You don’t have to be sorry about anything and please don’t feel bad about it. We don’t control who we like or fall for. That being said, I have to make a confession too. I think that I like another guy…I like him and just like you I think I may be falling for him. And right now I’m feeling very conflicted because like you said, you’re really important to me and I really believe that this guy doesn’t have feelings for me and that he’s just being nice to me but I can’t help but wonder what could happen. So yeah, I guess we’re in a difficult situation here”_ **

**_-x-_ **

**_“We need your help Sana”_**  Elias said as he entered his sister’s room

**_“Don’t you always?”_ **

**_“Ha, ha. Seriously we need your help for our next YouTube video”_ **

Sana rolled her eyes. Since the last year Elias and his friends had a YouTube channel where they would post videos of mainly them being weird.

**_“I’ve told you, I’m not going to be in any of your dumb videos”_ **

**_“First of all they’re not dumb”_**  Elias said offended  ** _“And second of all you don’t have to actually be in it, we just need you to be impartial. Come on I’ll explain it to you on our way to the living room”_**

****

The game went like this. They had asked their followers to send them questions and Sana had to choose the questions and the person that would be answering it. At first, Mikael was supposed to do it but they soon realized that he wasn’t the most indicate. So now there she was, standing behind the camera and asking those boys random questions about their ethnicity, their goals in life or even just their ages.

As she was looking for the next question there was one that caught her attention. She knew exactly who she wanted to ask that question to but she didn’t want to be obvious, she’d need to do this right.

 ** _“Okay next question…uhm…let me see…okay this one for example”_**  Sana said as she tried to make it seem like she was thinking  ** _“This is one is for…Hmm…I’ve just asked Elias a question and Adam was before that…I think Mutta has answered a lot of questions already and frankly Mikael is not even playing anymore so…I guess…this question is for Yousef”_**

 ** _“Go ahead”_**  he nodded

 ** _“Do you like someone?”_** she said maybe way to fast

 ** _“What?”_**  he asked blushing

**_“Do you like someone?”_ **

She could hear the laughs of the rest of the guys but in that moment all that mattered to her was his answer. She saw him hesitate, he was clearly deciding what he was going to answer. He suddenly looked at her with more intensity he had ever had.

 ** _“Yes”_**  he simply said his eyes never leaving hers

 ** _“Who”_**  she found herself whispering

 ** _“Nope! You can’t ask two questions in a row to the same person, you know the rules”_**  Adam said

She never got to find the answer to her second question.

****

**FEBRUARY 2018 (18 and 20 years old)**

**“ _First of all, I’m sure that guy has feelings for you, how wouldn’t he? You’re amazing and I’m sure that any guy who knows you would fall in love with you. And yeah, I guess we really are in a difficult situation…what now? What do you want us to do? Do we…stop writing? Do we continue? What do you want?”_**

**_-x-_ **

How had they convinced her? That’s what Sana kept asking herself as she entered Chris’ house. It was the 16th of February, the Friday after Valentine’s Day and somehow the girls, especially Vilde, had managed to convince Sana to go to a party they were having at Chris’.

The backyard was decorated with red, pink and white balloons and hearts everywhere. Sana didn’t really see the point of Valentine’s Day. She didn’t want to sound like Jonas but it was definitely just a capitalistic holiday that the rich had invented to sell silly stuff. Why did couples have to wait till a certain day of the year to tell each other “I love you” and give their significant other a gift? Why couldn’t they just do it any other day? Wasn’t that what love was about, showing your love every day? Not that Sana would know anything about love anyway.

The only thing that calmed Sana was that at least she would have a good time with her friends. Everyone was there, the girls, Isak and the boys and even Elias and his friends, ever since Even and them had reconnected again they would all hang out together.

 ** _“Sana? Are you listening to me?”_**  Vilde said as she snapped her fingers in front of her face

 ** _“Huh? I’m sorry…I was…distracted”_**  she said as she tried to look away from a certain boy that was standing at the other side of the yard

Vilde looked behind her and smirked

**_“Yeah, I see what you were distracted with…Anyway I was saying that I’m going to go dance with Magnus, want to join?”_ **

**_“No, I’m fine here”_ **

**_“But I don’t want to leave you alone”_ **

**_“Vilde, is fine, go dance with your boyfriend”_ **

Her friend nodded and left. Sana walked over a bench Chris had in her yard and sat down contemplating her friends. Mikael and Adam and Mutta and Chris, who by now were a real couple, were sitting on the grass having a heated conversation about something. Elias and Noora were by the food table talking with Mahdi and his new found girlfriend. She laughed to herself, her friend and her brother were still trying to convince everyone that there was nothing between them. Then, on the dance floor, Isak and Even and Magnus and Vilde were competing on who were the best dancers, so far Even and Isak were winning. Eva and Jonas were nowhere to be seen, they were probably hooking up somewhere around the house. And then there was Yousef. She hadn’t talked to him yet but ever since she had arrived to the party, 40 minutes ago, he had kept looking at her from across the place. ‘He’s only being polite because he’s your brother’s friend’ a part of Sana said. ‘Get your hopes up’ the other replied. His eyes locked on hers and both of them smiled at each other. Sana bit her lip and looked away blushing, she had been caught staring.

She didn’t look up until she heard his voice.

**_“Can I join you?”_ **

She nodded and he sat next to her on the bench, leaving enough space between them.

 ** _“Kind of sucks, doesn’t it?”_**  he said after a few seconds

**_“What does?”_ **

**_“That we’re alone on Valentine’s Day while everyone is in a relationship”_** he explained  ** _“Not that I believe in that day anyway, I feel like if you love someone you should show it every day and not only one day of the year, you know?”_**

 ** _“Yeah, I know and I agree with you”_**  Sana said  ** _“And about being alone…at least we can keep each other company”_**

Yousef looked at her and smiled widely at her words

**_“Yes, we definitely can”_ **

They stayed in silence for awhile. Sana was trying to make her mind up about saying the next words

 ** _“So…that girl you said you liked…why isn’t she here?”_**  she asked not daring to look at him

 ** _“Who said she isn’t?”_**  he whispered, his eyes focused on her face

She looked up to him and opened her mouth to say something but no words came out of it.

 ** _“Yousef! Come here, we’re talking about our next video!”_**  Elias shouted from a few meters apart breaking the moment.

 ** _“I have to go, I’ll see you later”_**  Yousef said as he stood up, mentally cursing Elias for interrupting yet another moment.

**MARCH 2018 (18 and 20 years old)**

**_“I truly don’t know what we should do…I don’t even know what I want to do. I just…I don’t know…”_ **

**_-x-_ **

**_“So, when are you going to ask my sister out?”_**  Elias suddenly said one day making Yousef choke on his drink

 ** _“What?”_**  he asked between coughs

They were in Yousef’s room talking about Elias’ birthday party that had taken place the previous week

 ** _“When are you going to ask my sister out?”_**  he repeated

**_“What are you talking about? I don’t…”_ **

**_“Yousef, please don’t lie to me, don’t lie to yourself. You like my sister…actually I’m pretty sure that you’re in love with her. I can see it, the boys can see it, the girls can see it. I think the only ones that can’t see it are you and my sister. So…when-are-you-asking-her-out?”_**  he said putting emphasis in the last words

Yousef opened his mouth but no words came out of it, he was too shock to even react

 ** _“Okay, whatever man, do what you want”_**  Elias said shaking his head  ** _“You two are seriously going to be the end of me”_**

****

**APRIL 2018 ( 18 and 20 years old)**

**“ _I truly am very sorry for what I’m about to say but…I think we should stop writing to each other. I don’t think I can do this anymore._**

**_I’m in love with her. I can’t help it. I’m in love with her and I want to ask her out. I’m still trying to gain the strength I need to take the plunge and ask her out but I really want to try. And I don’t think it’s fair that I keep writing to you when I’m in love with another girl. It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to her and it’s not fair to me._ **

**_I really hope you can understand it. I’m really sorry._ **

**_Please know that I’ve loved talking to you. You’ve been a constant in my life for 7 years now and I know it’s going to be really hard for me not to have you anymore but I need to do this. I need to be honest with myself and do the right thing. I really hope you can forgive me someday._ **

**_I’m sorry_ **

**_PS: I wish you the best of luck with the boy you told me about, you deserve to be happy”_ **

**_-x-_ **

**_“So, when are you going to ask Yousef out?”_ **

**_“I’m sorry, what?”_**  Sana asked as her head snapped to look at Eva

They were in the school hallway, their spot in the window, and they had been talking about their couples when suddenly Eva had asked Sana that question.

 ** _“Sana, we know you like him”_**  Vilde said

 ** _“Yeah, why do you keep trying to hide your feelings?”_**  Noora asked

**_“Okay first of all, you’re not the most indicate to tell someone about hiding their feelings Noora, and second of all I don’t like Yousef”_ **

She received a collective glare from the girls.

 ** _“I don’t…”_**  Sana said in a low voice

 ** _“Sana…”_**  Chris said

**_“Okay…fine…maybe I like him a little bit…but he doesn’t have feelings for me”_ **

**_“Uh, have you seen him? He’s always looking at you, he’s always smiling, he even gave you a present for your birthday!!”_ **

**_“Well, people usually give each other presents for birthdays Vilde”_ **

**_“Alright, fine. Even if you didn’t know he likes you, which he does, why wouldn’t you just ask him out? See what happens”_** Eva asked.

**_“Because I’m afraid he’s going to say no…if he had feelings for me he would’ve asked me out already”_ **

**_“Sana it’s 2018 you don’t have to wait for him to make the first move. Besides, have you met Yousef? He’s an awkward mess, he’d be too nervous to ask you out”_**  Noora said

**_“I don’t know…”_ **

**_“Sana, just do it”_**  Chris said finishing the conversation

**MAY 2018 (18 and 20 years old)**

**_“I don’t know if you’ll read this but I felt like I had to write one last letter to you._ **

**_I’m not mad at you, I don’t hate you. I understand you. In fact, I was kind of about to do the same thing._ **

**_I’m in love with that guy and I really want to give us a chance. I don’t know if we will work out because I don’t know if he likes me and then there are some other complications but…I really really want to try._ **

**_I’m going to miss you a lot. You’ve been one of the most important people of my life during these 7 years. You came to me when I needed you the most, you supported me during my worst moment and you’ve always been nice to me._ **

**_I hope one day we’ll randomly meet each other and who knows? Maybe we could be friends._ **

**_Thank you for everything and I wish you the best of luck with your girl too, you deserve it”_ **

**_-x-_ **

Two months. He had spent almost two months trying to ask Sana out and he still hadn’t done it.

He didn’t want to do it via text, he wanted to ask her face to face. But every single time he was about to do it he either chickened out or someone would interrupt them.

 -x-

One month. Ever since that talk with her friends Sana had spent once freaking month trying to ask Yousef out. She didn’t want to do it via text, she wanted to ask him face to face. But every single time she was about to do it she either chickened out or someone would interrupt them.

 -x-

 **Yousef Acar:** I need to talk to you

 **Sana Bakkoush:** Okay? Talk

 **Yousef Acar:** In person

 **Yousef Acar:** Are you at home?

 **Yousef Acar:** I’m at your door, can you maybe come out?

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  Be there in five

 -x-

Sana looked at herself in the mirror before opening the front door and going out. This was her chance, she needed to ask him out as soon as she’d see him. There was no going back now.

He saw her coming out of her house and he immediately felt his heart beating faster in his chest. This was his chance, he needed to ask her out. There was no going back now.

 ** _“Hey”_**  he said as she got to him

**_“Hi”_ **

They looked at each other for a few seconds before talking

 ** _“I need to tell you something”_**  both of them said at the same time

 ** _“You first”_**  Yousef said

**_“No, it’s okay, you first”_ **

Again, another few seconds of silence.

 ** _“Do you want to go out with me?”_**  And also again, both of them talked at the same time.

It took them a moment to process each other’s words but when it hit them they both started to laugh.

 ** _“I…I guess…that’s a yes?”_**  Yousef asked biting his lip

**_“Yeah, it’s a yes”_ **

**_“So when do you want to go out? Where do you want to go out? I’ll meet you whenever you want”_ **

Sana smiled widely at him, was he even real?

 ** _“Friday?”_**  she asked

 ** _“Friday. It’s a date”_**  he said

 ** _“It’s a date”_**  she agreed

 -x-

And it definitely was a date.

On Friday, Yousef went to Sana’s house and after a long conversation with her parents, a conversation that Elias enjoyed way too much, they agreed to let her go.

Sana, apparently not knowing the effect she had on Yousef, decided to wear the purple hijab he had given her for her birthday making the poor boy almost faint when he saw her. Sana always looked pretty to Yousef, she was pretty, but that day…that day her beauty couldn’t be compare to anything he had ever seen.

He took her to the docks. There they played with water as if they were kids, Yousef got scared of a threatening swan –making Sana tease him for the rest of the evening, of course- and finally they both ended having dinner –Yousef’s mom soup- looking at the water.

That date was the first of many dates Yousef and Sana would have that month before becoming girlfriend and boyfriend.

It was all perfect, wasn’t it?


	8. Summer 2018 - Spring 2019

**JUNE 2018 (18 and 20 years old)**

**_“Hey girl!!_ **

**_I couldn’t stop myself from writing to you. I know it’s not been that long already but I can’t help it._ **

**_I miss you. I miss you so much. I can’t stop thinking about you._ **

**_Everything reminds me of you. Wherever I look I’m reminded of you. Not that I’m complaining, I love thinking about you._ **

**_I know you’re probably thinking that I’m a dork right now for writing this just to tell you that I miss you but well, that’s who I am, you should know that by now._ **

**_I don’t know when you’ll read this and if you’ll read this at all. I know you don’t really check it anymore but well I’m taking my chances here._ **

**_I miss you. I miss you so much_ ** **♥”** ****

****

**JULY 2018 (18 and 20 years old)**

**_“Hey you!_ **

**_Surprised to see this, aren’t you? What can I say? I felt like writing to you today._ **

**_I miss you so much. I didn’t think I was going to miss you this much. Well, I kind of knew I would but I’m a tough girl, I didn’t want to admit it_ **

**_But I miss you so much._ **

**_Who’s the dork now, huh?_ **

**_You, it’s still you, you’re still the dork, I was just bored and I decided to write you…_ **

**_Okay fine maybe I’m a little bit dorky too but that’s probably your fault._ **

**_Well, I should stop this before I keep embarrassing myself._ **

**_I miss you. I miss you so much_ ** **♥”** ****

****

**AUGUST 2018 (18 and 20 years old)**

Sana kept pacing up and down. She was too anxious to sit. She looked behind her and saw Elias and the boys sitting on some chairs and just talking about random stuff. She was kind of jealous of them. They seemed so relaxed, with no worries in the world while she was about to have a heart attack.

 ** _“Sana calm down, everything will be okay”_**  she heard Elias saying

 ** _“What are you talking about? I’m very calmed”_** she said trying to hide her eagerness

**_“Oh come on sis, you’re about to have a heart attack and I don’t even know why. You’ve been talking to each other every day. Why are you so anxious about seeing him?”_ **

**_“Because it’s been so long and it’s not the same seeing someone in person than writing them”_ **

**_“Is that him?”_**  Adam suddenly asked pointing at someone a few meters for them

As Sana turned around to see him her mind went back two months

Not long after she and Yousef had started dating he had asked to meet with her, he had something important to tell her.

He was leaving, he was going to Turkey. Sana panicked at first, what did that mean? He was leaving. For how long? What would happen to them?

He calmed her down explaining to her that he was only going to leave until August. Part of his family lived in Turkey and his cousin was getting married so he had to go to his wedding and his parents had taken the chance to make a summer trip there. Apparently, it had been awhile since Yousef and his parents had gone on vacation so this trip was really important to them.

Sana would be lying in she said she didn’t feel anxious even after his explanation. They had only been dating for a few weeks and he was leaving. What if he found another girl? What if he liked Turkey more and wanted to stay there? What if…?

 ** _“Nothing is going to change, Sana”_**  he had told her as if he was reading her mind  ** _“We’ll talk every day and when I come back it’ll be as if I had never left. I promise you”_**

****

And he had kept his promise. They had been texting each other every single day for the past two months.

Back in June, only one week after he had left, Sana had checked her email –something she never really did but for whatever reason she had felt the need to check it that day- and had found an email from him, from Yousef. In his email he basically said that he missed her.

She remembered how she had grabbed his phone right after reading the email and had sent him a text making fun of him for writing her an email when they had been texting every day. She told him that he could’ve just sent her a text instead. He said that he knew that but that sometimes texts didn’t felt enough, sometimes he wanted to express his feelings for her in some other way and the only thing that came to his mind was an email. There’s no need to say that after that Sana fell for him even more.

Then, one day in July after a long day outside with her friends when she hadn’t been able to talk to Yousef much she had found herself in front of her laptop writing him an email. She knew that he was going to tease her until the end of time for that, especially after all the jokes she had made when he had done that exact same thing, but she understood it now, sometimes texts weren’t enough. Just as he had done a month before, she wrote an email just to say that she really missed him.

She was surprised to find a text from him no more than 10 minutes after sending the email. She had expected a joke, a ‘hahah you’re a dork’ or even a laughing emoji. Instead, what she found was a much simpler text ‘I miss you too **♥’** ****

****

But that had been a month ago.

Now she was in the airport waiting for him to arrive. She didn’t know what to expect. Sure they had been talking every day since he had left but just as she had told her brother, it wasn’t the same texting someone than seeing them, it was easy to lie to someone via text but she knew that once she saw him she would know if he still felt the same about her and that terrified her.

Her heart skipped a beat as soon as their eyes met. He was walking towards them and for a moment he hadn’t noticed them. But then his eyes found hers and she saw how his face lit up. For a week she had kept reminding herself to play it cool when she’d see him but now that he was only a few meters away from him she didn’t care about acting cool, all she wanted was to hug him.

She didn’t really know when her feet had started to move, all she knew was that she was walking –running- towards him. His lips curved into a big smile and he threw his suitcase to the floor opening his arms as Sana got to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. He instantly hugged her back, his arms around her waist tightly.

 ** _“I’ve missed you, I’ve missed you so much”_**  he whispered in her ear

 ** _“I’ve missed you too”_**  she said back hugging him tighter

He pulled away and cupped her face in his hands to look at her

 ** _“God I’ve missed this beautiful face”_**  he said as he stared at her intensely

She blushed and looked down for a moment before looking back at him again.

 ** _“And I’ve missed this messy hair of yours”_**  she said brushing it away from his face tenderly

**_“Oh Sana I’ve missed the way you breathe”_ **

**_“Oh Yousef I’ve missed the way you blink”_ **

**_“I’ve missed you so much Sana”_ **

**_“I’ve missed you more Yousef”_ **

**_“No, I’ve missed you more”_ **

**_“No, me more”_ **

**_“Mikael, Adam, are you done?”_**  Sana said as she glared at them.

She hadn’t noticed when the boys had approached them but she definitely had heard Adam and Mikael teasing them.

 ** _“You’re just so disgunstingly cute”_**  Adam said laughing

 ** _“Do you want me to start acting like you do around each other? Because I definitely can”_**  she asked smirking at him

 ** _“We’re nothing like you two”_**  Mikael protested

 ** _“You kind of are…”_**  Mutta said in a low voice

 ** _“See?”_**  Sana said in a challenging voice

 ** _“Guys, guys, stop fighting. We all know that the cutest couple here are Isak and me”_**  Even said with a smug face

Sana and Adam thought about it for a moment until they both nodded in agreement, that was definitely true.

 ** _“Okay, are you done with this stupidity already? Can I hug my best friend now?”_**  Elias asked rolling his eyes

 ** _“Come here”_**  Yousef said as he hugged Elias, a hug that was soon joined by the rest of the guys.

 

**SEPTEMBER 2018 (18 and 20 years old)**

**_“You survived your first two weeks at university! I’m proud of you”_**  Yousef said as he put his arm around her and pulled her closer

It was Friday evening and they were walking home after one of their dates.

 ** _“Are you going to say that every day for the next 6 years?”_**  she asked laughing

After Sana’s first day at university, two weeks ago, Yousef had come to her house with a bouquet of flowers and had greeted her with a “you’ve survived your first day at university! I’m proud of you” and since that day he had repeated that same sentence every day being it face to face or via text on days that they hadn’t been able to see each other.

**_“Are you going to allow me to be in your life for the next 6 years?”_ **

**_“Hmm…I’ll think about it”_ **

**_“Oh come on, you love me”_**  he teased her

 ** _“Yeah, I do”_**  she said shrugging

He stopped dead on his tracks after he realized what he had just said and what she had replied. Since his arm was still around her shoulder she stopped too. He took a step back and let go of her to face her.

 ** _“You…you do?”_**  he asked hesitantly

Sana’s lips curved into a big smile. They had never said I love you before but she knew that she loved him, she had known for a long time.

 ** _“Yeah, I do…I love you”_**  she said biting her lip a little bit anxious about what his reaction would be.

She knew he liked her, she knew he really cared about her, maybe he was even in love with her but she wasn’t really sure if he loved her the way she did. She wanted to believe so but she was unsure.

 ** _“I love you too”_**  he told her, smile on his face, before wrapping his arms around her to hug her and whisper on her ear  ** _“I love you”_**

 ** _“I love you”_**  she whispered back.

**OCTOBER 2018 (18 and 21 years old)**

**_“Want to hang out after class today?”_ **

**_“I can’t, it’s Monday and on Mondays I go out with my boyfriend after class”_**  Sana told Marit

Sana had met Marit a week before in one of her classes when the teacher had asked them to work in pairs and somehow they had ended together. Marit was the complete opposite of her, blonde, blue eyes, liked parties too much and boys even more. But she was also a good friend, Sana’s only friend in university so far.

 ** _“Sana Bakkoush, you have a boyfriend and you hadn’t told me?”_**  Marit said shaking her head

**_“I’ve only known you for a week…Besides you never asked”_ **

**_“That’s not an excuse!”_** she said acting offended  ** _“I want all the details, now”_**

 ** _“The class is about to start”_**  Sana told her smirking

 ** _“I don’t care about the class, this is huge, this is really huge. My girl Sana has a boyfriend!”_**  Marit almost yelled making the people in the class look at them

 ** _“Shut up!”_**  Sana hissed her but couldn’t help but laugh at Marit’s enthusiasm.

**_“When I’m going to meet him?”_ **

**_“Someday”_ **

**_“Oh come on, I promise I’ll be good. I won’t steal him from you…probably”_ **

Sana rolled her eyes and shook her head, that girl was definitely something.

**NOVEMBER 2018 (18 and 21 years old)**

**_“You didn’t have to walk me to university”_**  Sana said as they arrived

 ** _“I had a free day and I wanted to start it with you”_**  he simply replied squeezing her hand

 ** _“Yeah well now it’s going to be more difficult for me to go inside that building”_**  Sana sighed

 ** _“Aww is my girl implying that she’s going to miss me during her classes?”_** he teased her childishly booping her nose with his finger

 ** _“You’re such a kid”_**  she laughed shaking her head

 ** _“I might spend too much time around kids yeah…”_**  he agreed

 ** _“Sana!!”_**  they heard someone calling her

In a few seconds Marit, Sana’s friend was already by her side

 ** _“I saw you before going inside and I decided to come and say hi…Hi!”_**  she said excited, Marit was pretty much always excited ****

 ** _“Hi”_**  Sana said

Marit looked from Sana to Yousef and back to Yousef again

**_“So are you going to introduce us or…?”_ **

**_“Oh yeah, sorry. Uh Yousef this is Marit, the friend I’ve told you about and Marit this is Yousef, my boyfriend”_ **

**_“Well finally!”_**  Marit said  ** _“I’ve been wanting to meet you since I found out you existed but this girl right here is always avoiding it”_**

 ** _“Well, it’s nice to meet you Marit”_**  Yousef said smiling

 ** _“So what are exactly your intentions with my girl here, huh?”_** Marit asked making Yousef blush

 ** _“See? That’s exactly why I didn’t want you two to meet, I knew you would embarrass me”_**  Sana said shaking her head

 ** _“I’m not embarrassing you, I’m just checking if he’s worthy of your time.”_**  She told Sana, she then turned to Yousef  ** _“You better not hurt her or I won’t care if you’re hot, I’ll kill you”_**

**_“Okay!!! That’s enough, come on Marit we need to get to class”_ **

**_“I’ll see you later! And it was nice to meet you”_**  Yousef called after them as they entered the building

 ** _“Oh my god he’s so hot!!”_**  Marit said as soon as they entered the place

“ ** _Yeah I think you’ve made that pretty clear”_**

**_“I’m sorry but I’m just stating the facts. He’s so so hot. I mean with that face he could have any girl he wanted and yet he chose you. You’re really lucky girl”_ **

Sana’s smile slightly faded at that comment. He definitely could have any girl he wanted. And he had chosen her. She was really lucky indeed.

**DECEMBER 2018 (19 and 21 years old)**

_“ **Are you going to tell me what you wished for?”**_

**_“But if I tell you it won’t come true”_ **

**_“Is it about me?”_ **

**_“Maybe…”_ **

Sana looked at the sky and smiled to herself. It was 25th of December, her birthday, and after a nice dinner at home with her parents, her brothers, her sister-in-law Jamilla –with whom she was friends again- and Yousef, she was now outside in the backyard with the latter. They were sitting on the swings enjoying the moment.

**_“Oh come on, you have to tell me what you’ve wished for after blowing the candles”_ **

**_“But Yousef I can’t. I want my dream to come true”_ **

**_“I want my dream to come true”_**  he mocked her in a silly voice

 ** _“Are you making fun of me?”_**  she asked him giving him a death stare

 ** _“No”_**  he said biting his lip

She squinted and pressed her lips together forming a line. Pretending she was angry she looked away from him and crossed her arms on her chest. She shivered a little bit as the cold air of the night got to her.

 ** _“Are you cold?”_**  he asked her

Still in her angry role she didn’t answer him

**_“Oh come on, it was a joke”_ **

Again, she didn’t say anything shivering once more.

**_“Here, take this”_ **

He stood up and took his jacket off. He walked around her and crouched in front of her placing the jacket around her shoulders.

 ** _“Please forgive me?”_**  he said as he brushed his hands on her arms trying to make her feel warmer

**_“Fine. But only because I’m cold and you’re like a human blanket”_ **

**_“Oh, that’s why you love me?”_**  he asked acting offended

 ** _“Yeah, and because you’re kind of a good cook”_**  she said shrugging

**_“Okay, I’ll take that over nothing”_ **

He smiled widely at her and she couldn’t help but return the smile. It was in these moments when she realized how happy she was, how lucky she was to have him by her side. And not only him, Sana had a great family and great friends and she was so grateful for that. So when she had blown the candles a few minutes before she had only made one wish, for everything to stay the way it was.

**JANUARY 2019 (19 and 21 years old)**

_“ **Happy new year girl!!”**_  Marit said as she hugged Sana the first day after Christmas holidays

**_“Happy new year”_ **

**_“So how were your holidays with your hot boyfriend?”_ **

**_“Can you please stop calling him that?”_** Sana said rolling her eyes

**_“Why? He is hot. I mean have you seen that face?”_ **

**_“Uh, yeah I’m pretty sure I’ve seen it”_ **

**_“Of course you have…and that hair, god and those lips! I bet he’s a great kisser, isn’t he?”_ **

Sana opened her mouth to say something but then she closed it. She really liked Marit, she was a great and funny friend but Sana knew she could be a little judgy sometimes. Plus, she hooked up with a different guy every weekend so Sana didn’t know how she would react if she found out that she and Yousef hadn’t kissed yet and that she didn’t intend to kiss him anytime soon.

 ** _“What? Is he a bad kisser?”_**  Marit asked frowning

**_“No…or I don’t know”_ **

**_“You don’t know? How can you not know if he’s a bad kisser?”_ **

**_“Because…because we haven’t kissed yet”_ **

**_“Huh?”_**  she could literally see Marit’s confusion in her face

**_“I’ve decided that I won’t kiss anyone until I’m married”_ **

**_“Oh…I see…okay…so…are you engaged or something?”_ **

**_“What? No, we’re not”_ **

**_“And do you plan to be anytime soon?”_ **

**_“Not really, I don’t plan on being married until I’m done or almost done with my studies”_ **

**_“Okay, so let me get this straight. You’ve been dating that guy for months now and you haven’t kissed him yet. AND you don’t plan on kissing him until…what? 5 years? 6 years?…Wow…he must really love you. I mean a hot guy like him missing all the fun he could have for one girl that won’t even kiss him…that’s commitment. You really are lucky, girl”_ **

****

**FEBRUARY 2019 (19 and 21 years old)**

Was this Valentine’s day party a tradition now?

Just like the previous year when the first Friday after Valentine’s day arrived the girls insisted on making another party at Chris’.

So there she was, surrounded by balloons and hearts and listening to cheesy music, sitting on the bench in Chris’ yard while she saw all of her friends having a good time.

 ** _“Can I join you?”_**  she heard a voice she know way too well saying

**_“Of course”_ **

Yousef sat next to her and took her hand softly kissing her knuckles.

 ** _“This is giving me flashbacks”_**  he said

**_“Me too”_ **

**_“I was so nervous that day, I wanted to tell you I liked you but I didn’t know how”_**  he explained

**_“Why didn’t you?”_ **

**_“What? I did tell you”_ **

**_“Uh…no you didn’t”_ **

**_“You asked me why the girl I liked wasn’t there and I said “who said she isn’t?”. I was talking about you, that was pretty clear”_ **

**_“That was clear?”_**  she asked glaring at him

**_“It was subtle”_ **

**_“It was cryptic”_ **

**_“Okay, how about this? The girl I like, the girl I love, that’s you Sana Bakkoush”_ **

She looked at him trying to look unimpressed but she ended up smiling widely at him

 ** _“You’re suck a dork”_**  she laughed

 ** _“A dork that loves you”_**  he said putting his arm around her shoulder

 ** _“And I love this dork too”_**  she replied leaning against his chest

 

**MARCH 2019 (19 and 21 years old)**

**_“Oh god, I almost forgot. Do you want to hear something funny?”_ **

**_“I don’t think you and I have the same definition for funny but please go ahead?”_ **

**_“You can really be mean sometimes Sana Bakkoush”_ **

Sana looked at her friend and shrugged.

Marit and her were at the university cafeteria taking a break from studying.

**_“Anyway…I was in the bathroom earlier today and there were this girls talking about a hot dude”_ **

**_“Why is everything with you about guys?”_**  Sana asked rolling her eyes

**_“They weren’t talking about any guy, they were talking about your guy”_ **

**_“What?”_ **

**_“Now you’re interested huh? Okay so they’re talking about this hot dude that always comes to pick his girlfriend on Mondays. At first I didn’t think about Yousef but then they said that the girlfriend was studying medicine so I just put two and two together. So they were like: ‘oh my god he’s so hot and she’s so lucky to have him’. But then they were like: ‘I mean she’s not even that pretty, I’m sure he could do much better than her’ and ‘and besides I’m sure that they don’t…you know, so he’ll probably get tired of her soon’ and the other one said ‘maybe then I’ll have my chance’. So that’s when I got out of the bathroom stall and told them to go fuck themselves because my girl Sana is much better than any of them. You should’ve seen the look on their faces. EPIC”_ **

**_“They said I wasn’t enough for him?”_ **

It wasn’t a surprise to her that people would think that. She thought that. She knew that she wasn’t good enough for him, she knew that he could have any girl in the world. She knew that she was so lucky to have him. She knew all that. But knowing that other people thought so too, that was completely different.

**_“Sana…that was not the point of the story. The point was that I scared those bitches off”_ **

She faked a smile and nodded but Marit knew her well enough to not buy it.

**_“Hey, you know Yousef loves you and only you”_ **

**_“Yeah I know…but you said it yourself, she could be with any girl he wanted”_ **

**_“Yes, that’s true. He could be with any girl. But he chose you so stop being sad about what those girls said and enjoy the fact that your friend defended you like a pro”_ **

**_“You want me to say thank you or something?”_**  Sana teased her feeling a little bit better now

**_“Well, it’s the least you could do”_ **

**_“Thanks…I guess”_ **

**_“You really are tough, Sana…but one day you’ll admit you love me”_ **

****

**APRIL 2019 (19 and 21 years old)**

It had been a rough month for Sana. Ever since that conversation with Marti a few weeks ago about how people thought that she wasn’t good enough for Yousef she couldn’t stop thinking about that. She knew they were right. She also felt like that.

She loved Yousef and there was nothing she wanted more than to be with him. But sometimes their relationship felt like a ticking bomb. Sana felt like it was something that would eventually end, that he would realize that he was wasting his time on her and he’d dump her. And Sana was terrified of that.

Still, she had managed to convince herself that Yousef loved her and that he wouldn’t ever hurt her but when she had to see scenes like the one she had right in front of her all her doubts would come to her mind again.

It was a Monday and as every Monday, Sana knew that Yousef would be waiting for her outside university so she got out of the building with Marit by her side expecting to see him. What she didn’t expect was that he wasn’t alone.

 ** _“Uh-oh…”_**  she hear Marit saying next to her

**_“What?”_ **

**_“Remember that girl I told you about? The one for the bathroom? That’s her”_**  she said pointing at Yousef and the person he was talking to.

Sana watched the scene as it developed in front of her eyes. Yousef was standing a few meters from them. There was a blonde girl with him. They were talking about something, he did seem a little bit uncomfortable, probably because he didn’t know who that girl was, but she, she was enjoying the conversation way too much. She kept playing with her hair, laughing way too loud and sometimes she would even place her hand on his arm flirtatiously. Sana squinted her eyes, her lips forming a line.

 ** _“Let’s go”_**  Marit said taking Sana’s hand and leading the way to Yousef and that girl

****

**_“Sana, hi!”_**  Yousef’s face lit up as soon as he saw his girlfriend

 ** _“Hi”_**  Sana said dryly

**_“Uh, I was talking here with…A..Agnette? That was your name right? Apparently you’re classmates?”_ **

**_“Oh, Sana and me are more than classmates, we’re super friends!!”_**  Agnette said faking excitement

 ** _“No we’re not”_**  Sana said glaring at her

**_“Hahah, Sana you’re always hilarious!”_ **

**_“Yeah I don’t see what is funny about that”_**  Marit said glaring at her too

 ** _“I was just telling Yousef how nice of a guy he seems and handsome, I mean he’s a cutie Sana. You’re so lucky to have him, with that face he could be with any girl”_**  Agnette said before taking a step closer to Yousef and looking right into his eyes  ** _“I mean it, any girl”_**

 ** _“Yeah well I have the girl I want right by my side so I don’t need anything else”_** Yousef said taking Sana’s hand on his

 ** _“Don’t you have to go like…now?”_**  Marit told Agnette

**_“Uh…yeah…sure…bye girls, bye Yousef hope we can talk again soon!”_ **

**_“That’s an interesting friend you have Sana”_**  Yousef said chuckling once Agnette left

 ** _“She’s not my friend. And if you find her so interesting why don’t you date her instead of me?”_**  Sana spat and started walking away from him

Yousef looked at Marit confused as to what had just happened. The girl only shrugged not understanding it either.

 ** _“Sana! Sana wait”_**  Yousef called her as he ran after her ****

 ** _“Why me, Yousef? Why me?”_**  she almost yelled at him once he got to her

**_“What do you mean, why you?”_ **

**_“I mean, why are you with me? You could be with any other girl you wanted, any girl that could give you what you want, what any guy want. And yet you’re here stuck with me. Why?”_ **

**_“Because I love you”_**  he simply said  ** _“I love you Sana and only you”_**

Sana just looked at him not knowing what to say. She knew she wasn’t being fair to him, he had done nothing wrong and yet she was yelling at him. And his reply to that was that he loved her. She really didn’t deserve him

 ** _“Come here”_**  he said as he pulled her in a hug  ** _“I love you”_**

As she let him hug her she had only one question in her mind: ‘for how long would those three words be true?’

**MAY 2019 (19 and 21 years old)**

What is better: living knowing that you will end up being hurt or suffer now but at least you decide when it happens?

That’s pretty much all Sana had in her mind lately.

The feeling of her relationship with Yousef being a ticking bomb had been increasing as the days went by. As she saw how he still didn’t leave her side. As she saw the look on the girls’ face as they looked at her boyfriend. As she saw all of her friends talking about stuff she and Yousef couldn’t relate to, and not because he didn’t want to but because of her.

Sana felt like she was holding him back, like she wasn’t allowing him to enjoy his life, to enjoy his youth. She was a straitjacket that strangled him more and more every day.

And the fact that he was still so caring and loving towards her only made it worse. She didn’t want him to treat her nice, she didn’t deserve that. She wanted him to complain, to get tired of her, sometimes she wanted him to break up with her already so she could finally rest. The uncertainty, that was what was killing her. Knowing that he was going to break up with her eventually but not knowing when. Knowing that their relationship had an expiration date but not knowing which it was. Knowing that she was going to end up being hurt but not being able to prevent it.

So there was only one option left for Sana. End things before he’d realize that he was too good for her and she’d suffer even more. End things before he could.

 -x-

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  Can we meet? I need to talk to you

 **Yousef Acar:** Of course, everything okay?

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  I’ll meet you in the basketball court in 20 minutes

 **Yousef Acar:**  Okay! I love you

 -x-

 ** _“Sana you’re scaring me, what’s going on?”_**  Yousef asked

She thought this would be easier, she had thought about it for so much time, she thought that the words would simply come out. But instead of that there she was sitting in front of him and not being able to say anything for more than 10 minutes. For a moment she thought about not doing it, keep going as she had, enjoy the time he would still want her and then deal with the pain later. But she knew that the longer she waited the more she would suffer later so there was only one thing she could do.

 ** _“I’ve been thinking lately…a lot”_**  Sana started

**_“Okay?”_ **

**_“I think we should break up”_**  she blurted out looking at the floor

She heard him gasp and she felt him stiffen next to her. She took a deep breath and dared to look up at him regretting it instantly. The look on his face was something she would remember forever. She had never seen a person so broken. His mouth was slightly opened, his eyes widened and getting redder for moments, his hands were shaking and she was doubting he was even breathing.

 ** _“Yousef…”_**  she whispered

 ** _“Why?”_**  was all he could say, his voice breaking as a tear rolled down his face before he whipped it away

**_“I think it’s the best…”_ **

**_“The best? The best for who? It’s definitely not the best for me, Sana!”_**  he almost yelled making her back off a little

Yousef closed his eyes and breathe unevenly for a few seconds, his hands holding onto his jeans trying to calm down

 ** _“I’m sorry”_**  he whispered, his eyes still closed  ** _“I didn’t mean to yell at you”_**

 ** _“It’s okay…”_**  she muttered feeling the tears coming to her eyes, she didn’t want to do this, she didn’t want to make him suffer but she knew it was for the best

 ** _“Sana…”_**  he said opening his eyes to look at her, at this point he wasn’t even hiding the tears  ** _“What have I done? Please tell me what it is and I promise you I’ll be better, please”_**

**_“It’s not you…”_ **

**_“Please, please, give me another chance. I love you and you love me…unless…unless you don’t…love…me…”_**  it physically hurt him saying those words

Sana knew she had to end that conversation soon or she would start to cry and all her credibility would disappear. And he had just given him the argument she needed to convince him that it was really over between them.

**_“Yousef…”_ **

**_“Sana please, I love you”_**  he pleaded

 ** _“But I don’t…”_**  she said, her voice almost cracking as she looked anywhere but him

Yousef literally felt how his heart broke into million pieces as he heard those three words coming out of her lips. He felt numb, it was as if nothing around him was real. All he could hear were those words over and over again and all he could feel was the pain in his chest. He probably was a mess right now, he was always a mess, of course she didn’t love him. He was a kid, he was a child, a stupid boy who was now sobbing in front of the girl who had just broken his heart. And yet, all he could think about was that he would do anything, anything, to have her back.

 ** _“I’m sorry”_**  she whispered as she stood up.

He wasn’t looking at her anymore and that made things a little bit easier for Sana. She knew that if he looked at her right now, if he asked her one more time, just one more time, she would tell the truth, she would chickened out and tell him the truth. That of course she loved him, she loved him more than anything in this world, and that’s why she was doing it. Because she rather suffer now than in a few months, because she rather break up with him that being dumped, because she loved him so much to see him slowly fall out of love with her and that’s what was going to happen if the relationship continued.

Without saying another word she turned around and left, finally allowing herself to cry.

The ticking bomb had exploded and it had left no survivors

—–x————–

 

PLEASE DON’T HATE ME PLEASE DON’T HATE ME PLEASE DON’T HATE ME


	9. Summer 2019 - Spring 2020

## CHAPTER 9: SUMMER 2019 - SPRING 2020

**JUNE 2019 (19 and 21 years old)**

Friend. Kitchen. Book. Basketball. Biology. Food. Elias. Carrots. Vodka. Block. Flowers. Game. Ice cream. Tea. History. Purple. Question. Valentine. Risk. Swan. Turkey. Back. Love.

Insecurity. Wish. Not enough. Fear. Insecurity. Insecurity. Insecurity. Fear. Not enough. Not enough. Not enough. Not enough. Not enough.

Stop.

Pain.

Suffering.

Loneliness.

Regret.

**JULY 2019 (19 and 21 years old)**

**_“You can’t keep being like this, Sana”_ **

**_“Like what, Elias?”_ **

**_“Like this”_**  he said pointing at her

Sana was sitting on her unmade bed, still in her pj’s, a bunch of tissues she had tried to hide without success and a book she wasn’t even reading next to her.

**_“I don’t know what you mean”_ **

**_“Sana…”_**  he walked over to her and sat on the edge of the bed  ** _“It’s been almost two months and you’ve barely left the house. You’re always here, crying, and don’t try to convince me that you’re not crying because I know you. You only go out to go to university, and now you don’t even have classes anymore so you stay the whole day here. I’ve let you deal with it all this time because I knew you needed it but it’s enough Sana. You can’t keep doing this.”_**

**_“I’m not doing anything Elias”_ **

**_“Exactly, you’re doing nothing and that has to stop”_ **

She just shook her head and looked away.

**_“Look Sana…I don’t want to be that guy but…you broke up with him. You’re the one that broke his heart. You should see the guy. He’s like you or even worse. He doesn’t leave his house, he doesn’t want us to go there, he doesn’t answer our calls. He’s devastated because he doesn’t know what he did wrong, he doesn’t know why you stopped loving him…but seeing you now…I think you still love him and I don’t know why you told him otherwise”_ **

Sana could feel the tears coming to her eyes like every time she thought about Yousef. She closed her eyes trying to hold them back but that wasn’t good choice since every time she closed her eyes her mind would go back to that afternoon, the afternoon she broke Yousef’s heart and hers at the same time. She’d see his face, his red eyes, his messy hair, tears rolling down his face.

 ** _“Sana…”_**  Elias whispered placing a hand on her arm

 ** _“Go”_**  she said still with her eyes closed

**_“Sana, please”_ **

**_“Go”_** she repeated

He sighed and stood up. As he reached the door he stopped for a moment and looked at her.

**_“I won’t tell you what you have to do, it’s your choice. But if you’re miserable and he’s miserable then maybe whatever reason you had to break up with him is really not good enough”_ **

****

‘Not good enough’…just like her

**AUGUST 2019 (19 and 21 years old)**

**_“Have you seen him since…you know?”_ **

**_“No. He doesn’t come to my house anymore”_ **

**_“So you don’t know how he’s doing?”_ **

Sana shook her head and shrugged. She had just started her second year of university. In some other time she would’ve been excited about it but right now all she wanted to do was go home and lay on her bed. It didn’t help that Marit insisted on asking her about Yousef.

**_“I think you should talk to him”_ **

**_“What? Why would I do that?”_ **

**_“Because you clearly love him and it’s killing you not being with him”_ **

**_“I told you. I don’t love him anymore. That’s why I broke up with him”_ **

**_“Sana, I saw you after you broke up with him, you were depressed the rest of the school year. You haven’t been answering my calls during the whole summer. And now, almost three months after your breakup you’re still miserable. If you didn’t love him, you wouldn’t be like this. I know that’s not why you broke up with him and actually I have a pretty good idea why you did what you did but I’m not going to force you into telling me. But…you really need to talk to someone. I don’t care if it’s your friends, your brother, your parents, Yousef or a random person you meet on the street. You need to talk to someone or you will explode. So please, try to think about someone who makes you feel comfortable enough to talk. Please.”_ **

****

_‘_ Someone who makes you feel comfortable enough to talk’

There was someone who once made her feel like she could tell him anything. A person she knew wouldn’t judge her. A person that now was living his own life and didn’t care about her.

But maybe…maybe she could try…maybe it’d feel good to tell someone the truth…maybe…

As she got to her house she grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and she let all her thoughts out.

**SEPTEMBER 2019 (19 and 22 years old)**

‘Happy birthday, Yousef’ ‘Have a great day, Yousef’ ‘I hope you’re well, Yousef’

How? How was he supposed to have a happy birthday? How was he supposed to have a great day? How was he supposed to be well?

People kept commenting on his facebook page, sending him texts, calling him, to wish him a happy birthday. But how was he supposed to enjoy that day when the one person he wanted by his side wasn’t there?

It had been four months. A normal person would’ve been over it already. A normal person would’ve forgotten her already. A normal person wouldn’t still be thinking about her every single day.

Yousef was not a normal person.

Yousef was an idiot in love

Yousef was a stupid boy that had done something to lose the girl he loved.

It was too good to be true anyway. He should’ve seen it coming. He should’ve known that a girl like Sana wouldn’t love him forever. He wasn’t good enough for her and she would realize that eventually. He just hoped it wouldn’t have been that soon.

He had agreed to meet the boys that afternoon. They had spent a week insisting on him going out of his house for his birthday. Elias had practically threatened him with coming to his house and force him to leave. He knew they were worried, he knew they were trying to make him feel better. But the truth was that there was nothing that would make him feel better. Well, there was something, but it wasn’t a something, it was a someone and her name was Sana.

Thinking about her in his way to meet the guys he somehow ended in some other place, a place that didn’t actually had to do with neither Sana nor the guys. It had to do with another person that had been in Yousef’s life for so long. A person he had completely forgotten for a year. A person that was now living a happy life without him, just like everyone else. A person he was starting to miss. A person he suddenly needed.

A person who had apparently written a letter to him.

Yousef didn’t know what he was expecting when he entered the book store but he definitely wasn’t expecting to find a letter from his pen pal. He took his phone out to text the boys that he was running late and then he sat on the floor, hiding behind the shelves and read the letter.

**_“Hi_ **

**_I feel kind of stupid writing this. You probably will never read it. But I need to talk to someone and you’re the only person that came to my mind. I know that I have lots of people to talk to, I do, but for some reason this just felt right._ **

**_Remember that guy I told you about? I love him. I didn’t think it was possible to love someone this much. I love him._ **

**_And I screwed it up._ **

**_We were dating, he was amazing, he is amazing. He’s the best person I know. He respects me. He understands me. And for some reason, he loves me._ **

**_But I let my insecurity ruin us._ **

**_You remember when I told you I was bullied in middle school? And how I got over that? One would think that nothing like that would ever happen again. That nothing would ever make me feel like I’m not good enough again. But it did. It happened, and in the most stupid way ever._ **

**_I started hearing these rumors about me and him. How I was super lucky to have him. How he would get tired of me. And the worst part was that I agreed. I agreed with every single one of them. He’s better than me. I’m not good enough for him. He was going to get tired of me and break up with me._ **

**_So what did I do? I broke up with him before he could break up with me._ **

**_I know I’m supposed to feel good about it. I’m supposed to feel relieved. But I don’t. I feel awful. I broke his heart. I broke my heart. And what did I get out of it? Nothing. Only pain and suffering._ **

**_But what can I do now? It’s not like those thoughts have disappeared. I still believe that I did the right thing but then…why does it hurt so bad?_ **

**_I’m sorry. I don’t think you’ll ever read this but if you do I’m sure that hearing me complaining about my love life is the last thing you want to do._ **

**_I’m leaving this on  21 st  August 2019. I’ll come back on the first of September and then on the first of October and I’ll keep coming until I get an answer or I get tired of waiting. Whatever happens first. But please, if you do read this and don’t want to answer, don’t feel pressured about it. I completely understand it._ **

****

The fact that he and his anonymous girl had fallen in love with another person and broke up with them at the same time was bitterly funny. If he didn’t know better he would think again that his pen pal was, in fact, Sana.

But he knew that she wasn’t. Ha had been there before. He had spent months thinking that she was his girl only to be crushed when he found out she wasn’t.

Besides, Sana hadn’t broken up with him because she had doubts about them, she had broken up with him because she didn’t love him.

Yousef flinched, remembering those words still hurt like the very first day.

As he got out of the store, letter in hand, ready to go meet his friends his phone beeped. He rolled his eyes before even reading the text, he knew that it’d be some fake facebook friend pretending that they remembered that today was his birthday and that the fact that facebook notified them didn’t have anything to do with it.

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  Happy birthday Yousef

He didn’t know a text wishing him a happy birthday could hurt so much. He leaned against the façade of the book store and closed his eyes allowing his mind to go back exactly a year.

 -x-

In the afternoon he went to Sana’s house. He had spent the morning with his family and he was meeting the boys at night but the afternoon was for Sana. They hadn’t really decided what they were going to do or where they were going to go that day but it didn’t really matter, all he wanted to do was seeing her.

He knocked on the door and a pair of arms around his neck greeted him

 ** _“Happy birthday!!!”_**  Sana yelled excited as she hugged him

 ** _“Thank you so much!”_**  he said happily hugging her back

 ** _“Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? We can go get some ice cream, or we can stay here if you want, we can go take a walk, oh! We can go to the place we went in our first date, or we can…”_**  she was so excited she didn’t notice Yousef raising his eyebrows for a few seconds  ** _“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”_**

 ** _“You just seem very excited”_**  he chuckled

 ** _“Well I am Yousef!”_**  Sana exclaimed resting her hands on his chest  ** _“It’s our first birthday together”_**

 ** _“I thought I was the softie of this relationship”_**  he said with a huge grin on his face

 ** _“I can be soft once a year”_**  Sana shrugged

 ** _“I love you so much”_**  he said wrapping his arms around her waist

 ** _“And I love you”_**  she answered smiling  ** _“Promise me we will be together for the rest of our birthdays”_**

Yousef was taken aback by her petition. Sana didn’t like to talk about her feelings, she never allowed her to look vulnerable or soft, she always had these walls around her no one could see through. But lately, as they spent more time together she would just let him in more and more often.

 ** _“I promise”_**  he said kissing her forehead  ** _“I promise”_**

**_-x-_ **

One birthday, her birthday, that’s how long his promise had last. With blurry eyes he typed probably the most painful text he had ever sent.

**Yousef Acar:** Thanks.

**OCTOBER 2019 (19 and 22 years old)**

**_“Hi!_ **

**_Surprised to see me writing back? What can I say? I guess we’re both really unlucky._ **

**_My girlfriend and I broke up too. But I don’t really want to talk about it. I’m not over it yet and I don’t think I’ll ever be over it if I’m being honest…_ **

**_About you and your ex…_ **

**_First of all thank you for trusting me, I’m glad that you still comfortable with me to tell me things about your life._ **

**_And then…WHAT ARE YOU DOING?_ **

**_You love this boy and he loves you and you’re choosing not to be with him because you think you’re not good enough? Have you met you? Girl, you’re awesome, I’ve told you this so many times, you’re great, you never ever should let anyone make you feel like you’re not enough because you are, you’re more than enough. I know you’re scared, I know you thought that he was going to break up with you and you know what? Maybe he was, maybe if you hadn’t broken up with him he would’ve broken up with you in a few months. But isn’t it worth the risk? Isn’t a chance to be together worth the risk?_ **

**_You love him and he loves you and that’s more than I have with my girlfriend…my ex-girlfriend. Don’t throw it away because you’re insecure._ **

**_I get it, believe me, I get it and I’m not telling you that you should go back with him right now. I don’t think you should try to get back with him until you overcome your insecurities and that’s something you have to do on your own. But don’t give up on him yet. I know how that feels like and believe me, it’s not nice._ **

**_I really hope that everything goes well to you and remember, you’re enough.”_ **

****

**NOVEMBER 2019 (19 and 22 years old)**

**_“How do you manage to make me feel better about myself every single time? You don’t even know me and you have a way to make me feel worthy, to make me feel loved, liked, cared for._ **

**_I’m really sorry to hear about you and your ex, I know you don’t want to talk about it but if you ever change your mind just know that I’m here._ **

**_About what you said…I’m really trying to make progress here. I’m trying to understand that I’m enough, that I’m loveable, that I’m likeable. I’m trying to convince myself that I’m worthy of people’s love, of his love. It’s just really difficult, you know? I see all these girls in the street and then I see me. And he could be with any girl he’d want and for some reason he chose me._ **

**_I haven’t seen him since we broke up, I haven’t talked to him. I know that he doesn’t have another girlfriend yet (I kind of expected him to) and I know that he’s not going through a good time, just like me. I want him back. I love him. But I’m not ready yet. And now I’m scared that by the time I’m ready, but the time I’ve overcome my insecurity, he won’t be there anymore, he will be over me, he will have forgotten me._ **

**_Sometimes I hate my mind and the way it works, you know?”_ **

****

**DECEMBER 2019 (20 and 22 years old)**

**_“I make you feel better because I tell you the truth, that you’re awesome._ **

**_I get that you’re not ready yet. I’m just glad that you’re trying to overcome your fears, that’s something really good. Not only because of a guy, but because you shouldn’t feel bad, you shouldn’t be afraid to love and be loved. So even if you don’t end up together with that guy do it for you, try to understand that you’re a great girl and you’re not less than anyone._ **

**_Again, I really hope that everything works out for you._ **

**_To be honest I wasn’t expecting another letter when I went to the book store today, I guess this means that we’re back at being pen pals?”_ **

**_-x-_ **

**_“Thank you for the cake mamma”_**  Sana said smiling

 ** _“Wait…is my daughter smiling?”_**  her mom asked widening her eyes  ** _“Is my daughter actually smiling?”_**

**_“Ha ha”_ **

It was Sana’s birthday, and as always she stayed at home with her parents and her brothers. Her mom had made her favorite dish and now they were all eating cake. It was nice to spend some time with her family. For the past few months she had been isolating herself in her room, only going out for strictly necessary things. She knew that her parents were worried about her. They hadn’t asked her why she had broken up with Yousef, all they knew was that they weren’t together and that it had been her decision.

The past weeks had been a little bit different. She had forced herself to go out of her room for more than just her classes. She had forced herself to talk to her friends about what had happened, she had told the girls and she had told Marit. She hadn’t told the truth to Elias, though, she knew that the moment she told him he would tell Yousef and that’s something Sana wasn’t ready to. Yes, she was making progress, Vilde had convinced her to look at herself in the mirror everyday and say “I’m enough, I’m more than enough” and as silly as it sounds it really was helping her, but she wasn’t ready to get into a relationship yet. She wasn’t ready to ask Yousef if he still loved her. Because, what if he didn’t? What if he had already forgotten her? That was what Sana was most afraid of. The thought that once she got over her insecurity, Yousef wouldn’t love her anymore. Sometimes she would find herself thinking: why bother? Why trying to get better if he probably doesn’t love you anymore? Then the words from her pen pal would come to her mind, ‘do it for yourself, don’t do it for a guy’.

 ** _“Seriously Sana, are you feeling a little bit better?”_**  her mom voice made her snap out of her thoughts

 ** _“Yes, mamma. I’m feeling better”_**  she said as the doorbell rang

 ** _“Then you can go open the door”_**  Elias chuckled

Sana rolled her eyes at him but still stood up, this boys was so lazy.

 -x-

You know when people say “my heart stopped beating” and we all know that it’s just a way of talking? Well the second Sana opened the door her heart stopped beating for real.

 ** _“Yousef?”_**  she whispered

 ** _“Hi”_**  he said looking at everywhere but her

 ** _“Uh…Elias…he’s…”_**  Sana stuttered, she was definitely not expecting this that day

 ** _“I’m here to see you”_**  this time, Yousef look straight at her eyes

**_“Oh”_ **

**_“May I come in?”_ **

Sana nodded and stepped aside to let him in.

**_“Happy birthday”_ **

“ ** _Thank you”_**

Sana tried to look at him but she couldn’t hold his gaze more than a few seconds before looking at the floor. None of them were saying anything creating an awkward silence between them. Finally Yousef took a step towards her and revealed the reason of his visit

 ** _“I’m here to give you this”_**  he said offering her a little box

 ** _“What?”_**  she asked frowning

**_“It’s a gift, for your birthday”_ **

**_“Yousef no, I can’t…I don’t…”_ **

**_“I bought it before…you know…I’ve had it with me for a long time and I can’t give it back. It’s…it’s from Turkey. I asked my family to send it to me for you”_ **

**_“Yousef…”_ **

**_“Please, take it…please”_**  he almost begged

She took the box from him and opened it with trembling hands.

**_“It’s a Nazar amulet. Tradition says that it protects you from the evil eye, from people’s jealousy. I…I thought you’d like it”_ **

**_“Protect me from people’s jealousy? Who would be jealous of me?”_**  she almost laughed

 ** _“Everyone would be jealous of you Sana, you’re amazing”_**  he said cursing himself right after for being so pathetic

Sana stared at him blinking several times, trying to process his words

**_“It’s okay if you don’t like it, you can give it to a friend or…I don’t know”_ **

**_“No, no. I love it Yousef, I do. It’s beautiful”_**  she said closing the box with the blue amulet  ** _“Thank you so much”_**

She took a step closer to him to hug him but he took the step back

 ** _“Please don’t”_**  he whispered embarrassed  ** _“I…I can’t…”_**

 ** _“I understand”_**  Sana said also taking a step backwards  ** _“I’m sorry”_**

**_“I better go”_ **

**_“You can stay if you want, we have carrot cake”_**  she said biting her lip

**_“I…I should really go”_ **

Sana nodded and he nodded back at her. He turned around and walked to the door but as he was about to open it he shook his head. Before she could realize what was happening, he walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her, accepting the hug she was going to give him earlier. It was as if Sana’s body moved by itself. As soon as she felt Yousef’s arms around her, her own arms held onto his neck almost mechanically, as if they knew it was the right thing. If a few minutes before her heart had stopped beating now it was about to get out her chest. She could also feel his beating faster on his chest. She closed her eyes and inhaled his scent, god she had missed it so much. He hugged her tighter and leaned in to whisper in her ear.

**_“I still love you”_ **

Sana stiffened, moment Yousef took to end the hug.

 ** _“I just thought you should know”_**  he said with sad eyes before finally leaving the house.

 

**JANUARY 2020 (20 and 22 years old)**

**_“Yeah, I guess that this means that we’re back at being pen pals._ **

**_I wanted to thank you. Thank you for your advice. Believe it or not I’m getting better, or at least I think I’m getting better. I followed your advice of “doing it for me”. I’ve talked to my friends, I’ve told them the truth. I still haven’t told my ex but I will, once I’m ready I will and if he doesn’t love me by then…well, then I guess I’ll have to live with it. But I want to try. What we had…it was so special and I want it back._ **

**_So yeah, as I’ve started to tell myself everyday: I’m enough, I’m more than enough._ **

**_Hey I have a wild idea…Would you like to meet?_ **

**_I’ve thought about it a lot, about how we never got to meet each other. At first it was because we were afraid and then because we had too many feelings. Maybe now that we both know that we’re just friends we should meet. I’d really like to have you in my life, like really have you and not only via letters._ **

**_But it’s your call. I’ll completely understand if you don’t want to”_ **

****

**FEBRUARY 2020 (20 and 22 years old)**

**_“Don’t hate me for this but I don’t think it’s a good idea to meet you right now. Like I told you I’m still not over my ex and I don’t know, it’d feel weird meeting you. I know that we don’t have feelings for each other anymore but still, it wouldn’t feel right._ **

**_I promise that we will meet soon but I just…I need more time._ **

**_I hope this is okay with you?_ **

**_Also I’m really happy to hear that you’re feeling better. The whole “I’m enough” mantra is great, I should start to use it too.”_ **

**_-x-_ **

**_“I’m telling you Elias I’m not going to that party”_ **

**_“Yousef, man, come on, everyone will be there”_ **

**_“Exactly, Sana will be there”_** Yousef said sitting on his bed.

Elias had spent the whole week trying to convince him to go to Chris’ party for Valentine’s Day. So far, he hadn’t succeed

**_“You don’t know for sure that my sister is going to be there”_ **

**_“What are you talking about, Elias? Chris is Sana’s friend, of course she’s going to be there”_ **

**_“Okay, first of all, Chris is not only Sana’s friend anymore. She’s our friend and Mutta’s girlfriend. Second of all you two really need to learn to be in the same room.”_ **

**_“I can’t face her”_**  Yousef said shaking his head  ** _“Not after the last time”_**

**_“The last time?”_ **

**_“On her birthday…I’m sure she told you I went to your house?”_ **

**_“She said you gave her a gift, yeah”_ **

**_“Well…I told her I love her. I told her I still love her and she froze, she didn’t say anything, she just stared at me and I ran away before she could tell me off”_ **

**_“You’re stupid”_**  Elias said as he sat down next to him

**_“Wow, thanks”_ **

**_“No…I mean…that day, after seeing you? Sana came back to the living room smiling, she actually spent the rest of the night smiling. Do you know how long had it been since she had smiled?”_ **

**_“Don’t Elias, don’t get my hopes up”_ **

**_“I’m not. Look I’m not saying that everything will be fixed between you two. All I’m saying is that after that conversation she was smiling and that lately she’s been happier, at least she’s being going out of her room. Maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with that but maybe it does.”_**  He said shrugging

**_“I don’t know…”_ **

**_“Just come to the party and try to talk to her, see how it goes. At least you have to learn to be civil around each other”_ **

****

**_-x-_ **

‘Try to talk to her, see how it goes’ It was easier to say it than to do it. Why did Elias always manage to convince him to do whatever he wanted to?

He had been in the party for almost 1 hour and up until now he had done a pretty crappy job in trying to talk to Sana, basically because he had been avoiding her. She had been clearly surprised when she saw him. Surprised wasn’t the term Yousef would use to express how he had felt when he saw Sana. More like amazed, in love, shocked by her beauty. She was wearing a light pink hijab he remembered buying it with her, the sun illuminated her face making her look like a true angel. Yousef could swear that he had never met a prettier girl than Sana. And that didn’t help when he was trying to talk to her without seeming stupid.

When Sana sat on the bench, their bench, the bench where they had talked for the past two years in these kind of parties, he took it as a sign, it was now or never.

 -x-

**_“Can I join you?”_ **

Sana looked up surprised but nodded. He sat by her leaving a painfully big gap between them

 ** _“Nice party…”_**  Yousef said as a way to break the ice

 ** _“Yeah…”_**  Sana agreed  ** _“It’s such a sunny day considering it’s February”_**

 ** _“Really?”_**  Yousef said chuckling ****

 ** _“What?”_**  she asked confused

**_“This is what we do now? Talk about the weather?”_ **

This time it was Sana the one who laughed

**_“We’re kind of ridiculous, aren’t we?”_ **

**_“Yeah, kind of”_ **

The laughs faded and silence invaded them.

 ** _“So, we should talk about what? Our friends?”_**  Sana asked

Yousef looked at her a shrugged, a playful smile on his face

 ** _“Hmm okay”_**  Sana said  ** _“Who do you want to talk about? The ones making out or the ones dancing?”_**

 ** _“Yeah, I don’t think that what Noora is doing can be called dancing”_**  Yousef said frowning

**_“Well, not everyone can be pros like you”_ **

**_“Oh, so you think I’m a pro, huh?”_**  he asked raising his eyebrows

 ** _“Yes, but shh, it’s a secret”_**  she said bringing a finger to her mouth

Yousef laughed loudly at her gesture but his amusement was interrupted by Sana’s phone ringing. He didn’t want to be nosy but he couldn’t help but look at the screen. The name “Frans” made him frown but before he could ask her who that was she had already stood up and was walking away from him to start a conversation with that Frans guy, who apparently was really funny from the way she was laughing.

**MARCH 2020 (20 and 22 years old)**

**_“Of course I understand. Don’t worry about it at all. I get what you mean, I really do and like I said I understand. We can meet whenever you are ready, if you’re ever ready._ **

**_I’m just glad we reconnect, I missed our letters and you’ve really helped me these past few months. I’m feeling a lot better with myself_ **

**_How are things with you?”_ **

**_-x-_ **

He had to do something. After his talk with Sana on Valentine’s Day he had realized that things were far from over between the two of them, or at least, that’s what he wanted to think. Sana had seemed really comfortable around him, for a few seconds it felt like they were still together. He had to hold onto that hope. He couldn’t just give up.

That’s why he was waiting outside Sana’s university right now. He wanted to surprise her. He would ask her if she wanted to have a coffee with him, just as friends, and maybe, just maybe, they could talk about them.

He saw her as soon as she got out of the building. She looked beautiful, as always. She hadn’t seen him yet so he started to make his way towards her but stopped as he saw that someone, a guy, approached her.

Sana greeted the boy with a smile and kiss on the cheek. Okay, so far nothing too strange, Sana greeted her friends like that. There’s nothing to worry about. Well, maybe he should be worried about the guy taking a little box out of his pocket and showing whatever was inside to her. Maybe he should be worried about Sana covering her mouth with her hands in shock and smiling widely at him. Maybe he should be worried about Sana nodding excited just before the guy slid a ring on her finger. Maybe he should be worried about the fact that he had been holding his breath for the past minute. Maybe he should be worried about his hands closing into fists ready to hit someone. Maybe he should be worried about the fact that he had just lost the love of his life in front of his eyes.

**APRIL 2020 (20 and 22 years old)**

**“ _Do you still want to meet? Please say you do._**

**_I want to see you. Everything is over between my ex and me and now more than ever I want to see you._ **

**_I’ll wait for your answer on the 1 st of May. But what about meeting on the 2nd of May, Saturday in the book store where we leave the letters._ **

**_I’ll understand if you don’t want to meet but I really hope you do.”_ **

****

**MAY 2020 (20 and 22 years old)**

**_“Yeah, of course I want to meet. But are you sure?_ **

**_I’m glad you changed your mind but I don’t want to meet you if you’re not sure about it._ **

**_I’ll be there tomorrow, though. Just think about it”_ **

**_-x-_ **

She looked at the clock, 4pm, she still had two more hours before her meeting with her pen pal.

Her meeting with her pen pal. She still couldn’t believe it. After years of letters she was finally going to meet him. How would he be? Would he be like she had imagined? Not that she had actually imagined him that much. Would they still be friends after meeting each other? She was getting more and more exciting.

She was about to play some music on her phone when it rang. She smiled when she saw that it was Marit, she was kind of waiting for that call.

**_“Hello?”_ **

**_“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! SANA!!!!!!!!!!”_ **

**_“God Marit stop yelling!”_**  Sana said pulling the phone away from her ear

**_“Sana you can’t believe what just happened!!!!!!!!!”_ **

**_“I think I may…”_ **

**_“What???”_ **

**_“Just tell me already!”_**  Sana laughed

**_“He proposed Sana!! He asked me to marry him!”_ **

**_“I knooooooooow!!!”_**  Sana said excited  ** _“I’m so happy for you two Marit!!”_**

**_“Wait what? You knew?”_ **

**_“Well…he may…or may have not called me to tell me about it a few months ago”_ **

**_“Oh my god I can’t believe you knew and you didn’t tell me”_ **

**_“Are you kidding? He made me promise I wouldn’t tell, besides it’d ruin the surprise”_ **

**_“Okay…fine…I’ll forgive you”_**  Marit said  ** _“Oh Sana you have to see the ring, it’s gorgeous!!”_**

**_“Yeah…that I know too”_ **

**_“What?!”_ **

**_“He may or may have not showed me the ring when he bought it. He’s had it for a long time, he was just waiting till your birthday to ask you. I even tried it on and yes it was so beautiful!”_ **

**_“But when? How?”_**  Marit asked confused

**_“Oh remember that day you were sick and couldn’t come to university? He was waiting for me when the classes ended and he showed it to me. He asked me if I wanted to try it on because well your hands and mine are more or less the same. I have to say that it fitted really good”_ **

**_“You two snakes keeping the secret for me”_ **

Sana couldn’t help but laugh. She was so happy for her friend. When she met Marit she was the kind of girl that hooked up with a different boy every weekend. And there wasn’t anything bad about that. But ever since she had met Frans she had changed. She was so in love with him and well, now they were engaged and Sana couldn’t be happier for them.

 ** _“I’m sorry!”_**  Sana said

**_“It’s fine. Ah, I can’t believe that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with him. It’s just so nice to know that he’s the one, you know? Like why bother with any other guy when you know who’s the one for you? And Frans is the one for me”_ **

**_“Yeah…he really is”_**  Sana said  ** _“Listen I have to go now but I’ll see you tomorrow okay? I promise I’ll act surprise when I see the ring”_**

**_“Ha ha…okay fine! I’ll see you tomorrow Sana!”_ **

****

She hanged up the phone and sigh, all these months keeping the secret and it was finally out. She felt so happy for them but there was no denying that a part of her was kind of jealous. It all seemed so easy for them.

With that thought in mind Sana went to her wardrobe ready to pick up the outfit she was going to wear to her meeting with her letter boy.


	10. Summer 2020 - Winter 2020

**JUNE 2020 (20 and 22 years old)**

**_“You didn’t come. I was there. I waited two hours for you. And you didn’t come. So much for ‘I’ll be there tomorrow’. You could’ve told me you know? If you didn’t want to come you could’ve just told me. I won’t check if you have answered until the 1 st of July so don’t bother, if you even answer of course”_ **

**_-x-_ **

Sana read the letter with a guilty feeling in her stomach. She wanted to go, she really wanted but she couldn’t. She sat on her bed, with the back against wall and the letter in her hands. She looked at her wardrobe and she could almost see herself there a month ago. She closed her eyes and let the memories come to her.

 -x-

She went to the wardrobe ready to pick up the outfit she was going to wear to her meeting with her letter boy. She opened one of the drawers to find the perfect scarf for the occasion. She was doubting between a red one or a pink one when a particular one caught her attention. She felt her stomach sink as she realized which one it was. She grabbed it with trembling hands, tears coming to her eyes. It was purple. It was a beautiful purple hijab. One she had wanted for so long. One she hadn’t bought. One someone had bought for her. One Yousef had bought for her. And one she had worn to her first date with Yousef.

You know in the movies, when the main character has flashbacks of crucial moments in their life so they can make a choice? That was what happened to Sana in that moment. Images of Yousef came to her mind, Yousef smiling, Yousef laughing, Yousef crying, Yousef’s eyes, Yousef’s hair, Yousef’s voice…Yousef. And then she remembered something Marit had told her just a few minutes ago, ‘why bother with any other guy when you know who’s the one for you?’. And finally she saw a sentence, a handwritten sentence from the last letter she had received, ‘Everything is over between my ex and me and now more than ever I want to see you’.

What was she doing? It was clear why he wanted to meet her. He wanted her as a rebound. Something had happened between him and his ex that had made him lost any hope he had and now he wanted to meet her. It was clear he wasn’t thinking straight, it was clear he didn’t want to meet her as friends. And she, what did she want to do? Did she want to reconnect with her pen pal? Did she want to take a risk and try to be with him? Did she want to forget about all the troubles her relationship with Yousef meant? Did she want to give up on Yousef?

No. She didn’t. Now more than ever she had one thing clear, she didn’t want to give up on Yousef. She loved him. She never stopped loving him. She had worked so hard to get past her insecurities only to throw it all away by giving up. She wanted to try again with him. She had to try again.

She couldn’t go to that meeting. It wouldn’t be fair to her, it wouldn’t be fair to Yousef and it wouldn’t be fair to the letter boy.

 -x-

So she didn’t go. And as guilty as she felt reading that June letter, she knew she had made the right decision.

Now all she had to do was take the plunge and fight for what she wanted.

****

**JULY 2020 (20 and 22 years old)**

**_“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I couldn’t do it._ **

**_Look, I don’t know what happened between you and your ex but you’re clearly not over her and you wanted to use me as a rebound. I’m not mad at you. I get it. But I couldn’t do it. I’m in love with him. I love him. And I have to fight for him. I can’t give up just yet._ **

**_This will be my last letter. I won’t go to that book store anymore. I’m really sorry._ **

**_You’ve been one of the most important people in my life for so long. But I need to focus on what it’s real. And you’re not real”_ **

**_-x-_ **

So now not only Sana but his letter girl had given up of him. Great, just great. It was clear that he was the problem, no one else. There was something in him that made people get tired of him. There was no other explanation.

And he got it. He knew why she hadn’t met him. He had to admit it, he wrote that letter, the one asking her to meet him, in a moment of bitterness and anger. He wanted to forget about Sana and he had tried to use the letter girl for that.

Somehow he was kind of relieved that they hadn’t met. Something inside of him was telling him that it had been the right choice and that he would’ve regretted it.

But now he was right at the start. A year had passed and he was exactly like he was after Sana broke up with him. Alone. In love. Alone.

 -x-

On his way home from the book shop he received a message from his mom, she needed him to buy some stuff from the store. Fate had wanted that he’d receive the text right as he was walking by the store making him turn around still reading the text and enter the shop. Fate had also wanted that he’d bump into someone as he walked through the door.

 ** _“I’m sorry”_**  he said before looking up from his phone  ** _“Oh…”_**

**_“It’s fine…hi Yousef”_ **

Why? Just, why? There were billions of people in the world. There were 5,267,146 people in Norway. There were 658,390 people in Oslo. And he had to bump into Sana Bakkoush.

**_“Hi…I’m sorry, I was looking at my phone and…”_ **

**_“I told you, it’s fine”_**  she interrupted him with a smile, why did her smile have to be so beautiful?

Yousef nodded awkwardly.

 ** _“This reminds me of one of the first times we met”_**  She said chuckling and covering her mouth with her left hand

 ** _“Yeah…we were always bumping into each other”_**  he said distracted by her hand.

There was something missing there. She placed her hand back by her side and he followed it with his gaze, looking from one hand to another trying to get his thoughts in order.

 ** _“Uh…Yousef? Are you okay? Why are you looking at my hands?”_** Sana asked confused

His head snapped up and looked at her like a kid who had been caught eating a chocolate cookie after his parents had told him not to.

 ** _“There’s no ring”_**  he whispered

**_“Huh?”_ **

**_“No…I just…I mean…You…you don’t have any ring”_**  he stuttered.

**_“Well, yeah I don’t really wear rings”_ **

**_“But…”_ **

**_“Oh! Talking about rings”_**  Sana interrupted him  ** _“You remember my friend Marit, right?”_**

Yousef nodded still confused by this whole conversation

 ** _“Well, she’s getting married!!”_**  Sana said excited

**_“What? Marit? Married?”_ **

**_“Yes, her boyfriend, Frans, proposed to her and she said yes. He had been planning it for months and I helped him. He even came all the way to my university to show me the ring. Isn’t he nice?”_ **

Of course. Of course he had done that. Of course his only reason to give up on Sana had been a misunderstanding. Of course he had assumed the worse instead of just thinking it through. Just, of course.

 ** _“Yeah, he sounds super nice”_**  Yousef said faking a smile while cursing himself

Sana nodded and smiled uncomfortable, an awkward silence had been installed between them now.

 ** _“Well I should go get the things my mom needs”_**  Yousef said

 ** _“Yeah, yeah, of course. And I should get going, my mom needs this for lunch”_**  Sana said showing him the bag she was holding

**_“Okay so…I’ll see you around”_ **

**_“Yeah…”_ **

Yousef walked by her and finally entered the store. When he only had taken a few steps he heard her voice again.

**_“Yousef!”_ **

**_“Yeah?”_**  asked turning around to face her

 ** _“I just wanted to say that you should come over to the house more often…you are never there anymore and…well, we miss you”_**  she said biting her lip and blushing

Yousef’s lips curved into a big smile. She wanted him there, she missed him. He nodded and so did she. He stood there watching her leaving, feeling a lot better than he had felt a few minutes ago. He had arrived to that store feeling abandoned and alone and he was going to leave it feeling hopeful.

**AUGUST 2020 (20 and 22 years old)**

To say that she was making progress with Yousef would be maybe going too far, but at least they were able to be in the same room now without one of them running away.

After their last encounter in the food store, Yousef started to come by the house more and more often. At first, Sana would stay in her room, too embarrassed to go out and meet him. But when one day they accidentally bumped into each other –again- in the kitchen and the world didn’t end after they talked for a few minutes, Sana decided that it was time for her to stop hiding and like she had said so many times, fight for what she wanted.

What she didn’t expect was that one way of doing that was going on a double date with a guy she wasn’t even dating. That maybe, only maybe, was going too far.

**_-x-_ **

**_“Elias, what do you want?”_**  she asked entering the living room after receiving a text from her brother telling her to come, because yes, her brother sent her texts even if they were both at home.

 ** _“Sit down”_**  Elias said pointing the couch where Yousef was also sitting.

 ** _“Do you know what’s going on?”_**  she asked Yousef

**_“Nope, I’m as clueless as you”_ **

Elias kept pacing around the room, clearly finding the right way to say what he had in mind.

 ** _“Elias can you stop?!”_** she almost yelled, she was anxious enough having Yousef so close to her, she didn’t want added stress.

 ** _“Okay, okay…the thing is…I need your help”_**  Elias started  ** _“I want to ask Noora out, on a real date”_**

**_“So do it”_ **

**_“It’s not that easy Sana. I can’t just go there and say: ‘hey Noora I think you’re really cool, want to go out on a date with me?’”_ **

**_“Isn’t that how asking people out works?”_**  Yousef asked frowning

 ** _“I’m pretty sure that’s how it works, yeah”_**  Sana agreed

**_“But I don’t want her to know that it’s a date…well I do but I don’t. So I thought about going on a double date”_ **

**_“Okay…?”_**  Sana said still not understanding where this was going on

 ** _“So, what’s the problem? Ask Mutta and Chris or Adam and Mikael or Isak and Even or Vilde and Magnus or Eva and Jonas…I mean you have plenty of couples to ask”_**  Yousef said

 ** _“Yeah, but if I ask her to go out with one of those couples she’ll know it’s a date”_**  Elias said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world

**_“Elias, I’m lost here, do you or do you not want her to think it’s a date?”_ **

**_“God, sis, are you even listening? I want but I don’t. So I thought that maybe you could help me. Maybe the four of us could go out? It’d be like a double date but not really, exactly what I want”_ **

**_“You want us to go on a double date…”_**  Yousef started

 ** _“…as a couple?”_**  Sana finished

**_“Yes! No! I don’t know…I want the four of us to go out for dinner, it’d look like a double date but since you’re not dating it won’t really be a double date and she won’t get scared…if that makes any sense”_ **

**_“No, it definitely doesn’t”_**  Sana shaking her head

**_“Guys please! It’d only be dinner, after that I’ll ask her to go somewhere else and you could leave”_ **

**_“I don’t know…”_**  Yousef said, of course he wanted to do it but he didn’t want to make Sana uncomfortable

 ** _“Yeah, Elias…I don’t know either”_**  Sana said, of course she wanted to do it but she didn’t want to make Yousef uncomfortable.

**_“Please, please, do it for me. I know you’ve been through a rough time but you’re friends again, right? I’ve seen you two talking…just please?”_ **

Sana and Yousef looked at each other trying to see what the other thought.

 -x-

And that’s how she ended sitting on a fancy restaurant on a Saturday night with her brother, her best friend and her ex-boyfriend.

Dinner was…interesting. Basically it consisted on Elias’ lame attempts to get Noora’s attention, Noora’s lame attempts to act as if she wasn’t head over heels in love with Elias and Sana’s and Yousef’s lame attempts to make it seem like they weren’t dying to be with each other. So yes, you could say that dinner was interesting. But what was even more interesting was when, after eating, Elias asked Noora if she wanted to go to another place with him, she accepted and the both of them left without even acknowledging Sana and Yousef, who were left awkwardly standing outside the restaurant.

 ** _“So…”_**  Yousef said

 ** _“So…”_**  Sana repeated looking at the floor  ** _“I think I should go home and sleep”_**

 ** _“But…what about your Saturday ice-cream?”_**  he asked frowning

Sana looked up at him with wide eyes, her lips curving into a smile.

**_“You remember?”_ **

**_-x-_ **

**_“So, where do you want to go now?”_**  Yousef asked Sana as they got out of the restaurant they had had dinner at.

He had been back in Norway for a month and even thought they had hanged out a lot since they started dating, this was the first Saturday night date they had had.

 ** _“I want ice-cream”_**  she said with a big smile

 ** _“Ice-cream? Sana is freezing”_**  he chuckled

 ** _“You can’t end a Saturday night out without ice-cream, it’s the rule”_**  Sana said matter-of-factly

 ** _“What? Where did that come from?”_**  he asked laughing

“ ** _Okay, do you want to hear a story?”_**

**_“From you? Always”_ **

She shook her head but smiled as she led the way to a bench near by and sat. He sat next to her and looked at her attentively.

 ** _“When I was little and my grandma came to spend some time with us she would always insisted on going out for dinner on Saturday. ‘You’ve all been working all week, you deserve a nice night out’ she would say. And after dinner she would always, always, insist on going to have an ice-cream. It didn’t matter if it was August, March or December. If we were out on a Saturday, we had to have an ice-cream before going home. ‘You can’t end a Saturday night without an ice-cream, Sana, it’s the rule’”_**  she said imitating her grandma’s voice and then laughing  ** _“Mamma hated it, she always said that we were going to get ill, but grandma didn’t care. So every since then, every time I go out on a Saturday I finish my night with an ice-cream”_**

 ** _“Sounds like a perfect tradition to me”_**  he said looking at her tenderly.

He stood up and offered his hand to her

**_“Let’s get you an ice-cream”_ **

She smiled and took his hand, happy to know that she wasn’t alone in this anymore.

 -x-

**_“I remember everything”_ **

**SEPTEMBER 2020 (20 and 23 years old)**

**_“Come on Sana you can do this, you can do this”_**  Sana whispered to herself before knocking on the Acar’s door.

She took a deep breath waiting for the door to be opened.

 ** _“Sana?”_**  Yousef asked as soon as he saw her standing outside his front door.

 ** _“Hi”_**  Sana said looking at everywhere but him

**_“What are you doing here? Elias didn’t told me you were coming, I mean you’re always welcomed here but…”_ **

**_“I didn’t tell Elias I was coming”_**  Sana said, she knew her brother and his friends were spending the day at Yousef’s to celebrate his birthday  ** _“I needed to see you”_**

It took so much time to convince herself to go there, she couldn’t back up now.

 ** _“Oh…uh…come in”_**  Yousef said stepping aside to let her in

**_“Thanks”_ **

They stood on the hallway neither of them daring to look at the other one. Sana closed her eyes for a moment and finally took a step closer to him.

 ** _“Happy birthday”_**  she said handing him the gift bag she was holding

 ** _“Is…is that for me?”_**  he asked, when she nodded he added  ** _“You didn’t have to…”_**

 ** _“You neither and yet last year you came to my house and gave me that beautiful gift”_**  she said smiling at the memory  ** _“Besides, I couldn’t not buy you this when I saw it. Open it”_**

He took the gift bag and introduced his hand to grab what was inside of it. It was a snapback, but not any snapback, this one had a meaning for them.

 ** _“How…?”_**  he tried to ask but he was so shocked to get the words out

**_“I did some research on the internet, made some calls and I found it, it’s the same one, right?”_ **

**_-x-_ **

Four months after they had started dating Yousef had insisted on taking Sana to the theme park. Sana wasn’t really into the attractions, the truth was that most of them scared her, but she wasn’t going to admit that to Yousef so she finally accepted. As they waited in the queue for the rollercoaster Yousef told Sana the story about the snapback he was wearing that day. It was a limited edition his favorite dancer had designed. There were only like 20 in the market and he had been lucky enough to buy one before they were all sold out.

 ** _“You should take it off then, you may lose her during the ride”_** Sana told him as they sat in their places, waiting for the ride to start

**_“Nah, that won’t happen”_ **

**_“Yousef, this is a pretty big rollercoaster and there’s a lot of wind, your snapback is going to fall”_ **

**_“Awww, is my girl afraid of the rollercoaster?”_**  he teased her

 ** _“No”_**  she said rolling her eyes  ** _“I don’t want you to come whining at me once you lose your snapback, that’s all”_**

**_“I’m telling you Sana, it won’t happen”_ **

But it did, it happened. 2 minutes into the ride Yousef’s snapback fell down and he was unlucky enough for it to fall exactly in the railways where the wagons were about to pass, ending in the snapback being completely destroyed after every single wagon stepped on it.

Since that day both Yousef and Sana spent months trying to find another snapback like that but eventually they had given up.

Until only a month ago when while searching for something to give Yousef for his birthday, she had come across an add that was selling the same exact snapback. It had cost her almost half of her savings, but seeing the look on Yousef’s face now, it was totally worth it.

 -x-

 ** _“It’s exactly the same, Sana!! I…I don’t even know what to say. Thank you”_**  he said taking a few steps forward and hugging her.

Sana didn’t expect that reaction from him and stiffen at his touch.

 ** _“Oh god, sorry, sorry. I just…I got caught in the moment and…”_** Yousef said instantly backing off

 ** _“No, no, it’s fine. I didn’t expect it…that’s all…but…you can hug me…if you want”_**  She said blushing trying to look at him but not being able to

 ** _“Yeah?”_**  he asked

Sana nodded and took a step closer to him, wrapping his arms around his neck. Yousef placed his arms on her waist and hugged her tightly. It had been almost a year since their last hugh ,precisely also in one birthday, her birthday. That day Yousef had told her that he still loved her, and as selfish as it sounded, she needed to hear it again.

 ** _“Do you still love me?”_** she whispered in his ear

 ** _“What?”_**  he asked pulling away from the hug frowning

 ** _“I’m sorry…I…it’s just…last year on my birthday you told me you loved me and now I’m thinking that maybe you still do and…I’m sorry this is selfish…I…I’m going to go…I’m sorry”_**  she blurted out before turning around and walking to the door to leave.

She was almost out when she heard him.

**_“I do. I will always love you, Sana”_ **

She looked at him and opened her mouth to say something but no words came out of it. They only stood there, staring at each other’s eyes intensely. It felt like hours but only a few seconds later Elias and the rest of the boys stepped in the hallway looking for Yousef. Sana took the moment of distraction to get out of the house. She knew she was being a coward and that she had asked for it, but knowing that Yousef still loved her was more than she could process.

**OCTOBER 2020 (20 and 23 years old)**

Well of course.

Of course.

Just…of course.

Of course his parents gave him a trip to Turkey as a birthday ‘present’. Of course it was just an excuse to go see the family. Of course it was three days after Sana had asked him if he still loved her. Of course it was a two months trip. Of course he couldn’t get out of it by saying that he had to work because his boss was his own aunt. Of course he was now 2450 kilometers away from Sana.

Just, of course.

Don’t get him wrong. He loved going to Turkey to see his family, especially since his little cousin Omar had been born and he hadn’t had the chance to meet him. But the fact that he had to leave without being able to talk to Sana about what she had asked him on his birthday was killing him. And it wasn’t like he could talk to her about it by text message, right? No, he couldn’t. That was something that had to be dealt with face to face. The thing was, would there be anything to talk about once he came back?

**-x-**

**Sana Bakkoush:** Elias told me you went to Turkey

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  I hope you have a great time there

 **Yousef Acar:**  Thank you

 **Yousef Acar:**  To be honest I didn’t want to go

 **Yousef Acar:**  But it’ll be nice to spend some time with the family

 **Yousef Acar:**  And you know I love this country

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  I do

 **Yousef Acar:**  By the way, how is the Nazar amulet I gave to you?

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  Well…

 **Yousef Acar:**  It’s broken, isn’t it?

 **Yousef Acar:** It’s okay, it always happens

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  Really?

 **Yousef Acar:**  Yeah, they’re very fragile

 **Yousef Acar:**  I’ll have to bring you another one, there’s no way I’m leaving you without protection

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  You really don’t have to.

 **Sana Bakkoush:** I don’t think I need protection from jealousy anyway

 **Yousef Acar:**  I told you, you’re perfect

 **Yousef Acar:** Of course people would be jealous at you

 **Yousef Acar:**  I’ll bring you a new one xx

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  Thank you xx

**NOVEMBER 2020 (20 and 23 years old)**

**Sana Bakkoush:**  I heard that you’re back. I hope you’ve had an awesome time in Turkey.

 **Yousef Acar:**  Yeah, I got home yesterday. I had a great time, thanks!

 **Yousef Acar:**  I’m actually at your house right now.

 **Yousef Acar:** Are you here? I thought we could talk?

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  I’m with Jamilla right now.

 **Sana Bakkoush:**  But maybe we can talk tomorrow?

 **Yousef Acar:**  Tomorrow sounds perfect.

 -x-

 ** _“Are you even listening to me?”_**  Elias asked annoyed

**_“Huh?”_ **

**_“I’m talking about Sana’s birthday, are you in?”_ **

**_“Sana’s birthday?”_ **

**_“So you’ve clearly haven’t listened to any of what I’ve said”_ **

**_“I’m sorry I was…”_ **

**_“Texting my sister?”_**  he interrupted Yousef  ** _“Like you’ve been the whole two months you’ve been away?”_**

 ** _“What? I haven’t been texting Sana”_**  Yousef lied

**_“Oh, please. She’s been all the time on her phone and smiling like a dork, that smile is her Yousef smile”_ **

**_“Okay, fine, we’ve been texting”_ **

**_“What is going on with you, then?”_ **

**_“Nothing…I think…I don’t know. Last time I saw her was on my birthday and she asked me if I still loved her”_ **

**_“And what did you tell her?”_**  Elias asked

**_“I told her the truth, that I will always love her. But then I had to leave and yeah, we’ve been talking to each other but not about us, just about random stuff…”_ **

**_“So, what are you waiting for? Go talk to her”_ **

**_“She’s with Jamilla, but we’ve agreed on meeting tomorrow”_ **

**_“Ever since those two became friends again she’s spending a lot of time with Jamilla. I’m so happy to see them reconnect”_**  Elias said with a smile

 ** _“Reconnect? What do you mean reconnect? I thought Sana and Jamilla were never friends”_**  Yousef asked confused

**_“Oh no, they were, they were really close back when Sana was in middle school. But then they got into a fight about something”_ **

**_“But when I asked you about Sana and Jamilla you said that they had always hated each other”_ **

**_“Well, it was a way of talking. What do you even care about it?”_ **

**_“No…I don’t…it’s just…just forget it…”_**  Yousef said shaking his head, he had already been down that road and he didn’t want to go there only to be disappointed once again.

**_“Okay…anyway. Sana’s birthday party at the cabin, are you in or not? I’m sure she’d want you to go”_ **

**_“Cabin? What cabin?”_ **

**_“Seriously Yousef? Where have you been for the past 20 minutes? The cabin in the woods my family used to rent for the holidays, the one we’re renting for Sana’s birthday party.”_ **

**_“C..ca…cabin…in the woods…what…where?”_**  Yousef stuttered, he could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, this couldn’t be happening, not again.

 ** _“In the woods, I just told you”_**  Elias said chuckling

**_“Elias, I’m not joking here. Where is that cabin?”_ **

Elias frowned at his friend and searched the location on his phone.

 ** _“Here”_**  he said showing his phone to Yousef

 ** _“Oh my god…this…this can’t be…”_**  Yousef said shaking his head and standing up.

He began to pace around the room anxiously, his mind was going too fast.

**_“Yousef you’re scaring me, what’s going on?”_ **

**_“Elias…I need to ask you some questions and please you have to be completely sincere here”_ **

**_“Of course, Yousef what happened?”_ **

**_“Sana…was she…was she bullied in middle school?”_ **

**_“Oh…uh…yes…how do you know that?”_ **

**_“That doesn’t matter. Jamilla, did she go with Sana to school every morning? Did she pick her up from there? Was then when they became friends?”_ **

**_“Yes, Jamilla was the first person Sana told about the bullying thing”_ **

**_“No, she wasn’t”_**  Yousef whispered more to himself than to him

He couldn’t believe he had been so blind during all these years. Yes, he had thought about this once but when Elias had told him that Sana and Jamilla weren’t friends he had immediately given up on that thought.

Now, it all seemed clear to him. But still, he needed to ask more questions just to be sure.

**_“This cabin…did you used to go on_ ** **_the second month of summer, the first week of Christmas, the winter break and the last 4 days of Easter? Did Sana hurt her foot with the wardrobe door of her room in the cabin when she was 11?”_ **

**_“What the fuck Yousef? How do you know all of that? Did Sana tell you?”_ **

**_“Yes, no…kind of…I need to go”_ **

**_“What? Where?”_ **

**_“I need to think”_**  Yousef said walking to the door

**_“Wait, are you in for Sana’s birthday or not?”_ **

**_“Uh…yes whatever”_**  he said, he couldn’t think about that now

**_“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow? When you come to see Sana?”_ **

**_“I can’t see Sana…not tomorrow…I…please don’t tell her anything about this conversation, please”_ **

**_“Okay, fine, fine I won’t tell her, but what’s going on?”_ **

**_“I need to think”_**  he said again, this time finally leaving

 -x-

On his way home he texted Sana to tell her that he couldn’t meet her the following day.

He needed to think, he needed to process all this new information. Starting from the fact that Sana was his letter girl and ending in the fact that she had lied to him when she broke up with him, she had never stopped loving him.

**DECEMBER 2020 (21 and 23 years old)**

Her birthday, her 21st birthday, her birthday that she was celebrating with a surprise party in a cool cabin in the woods. That should be enough to make Sana feel happy right?

Well she wasn’t.

And the reason of that was not something but someone. The reason was a 23 years old boy who had been avoiding her for the past weeks. Since he had came home from Turkey in the end of November she hadn’t had a proper conversation with him. She had texted him, she had ran into him at her house but all she had received had been ambiguous answers and evasive looks. And now he wasn’t even in her party.

She knew she had no right to be mad at him. She had lost her chance. She had broken up with him more than a year ago. She had avoided him for almost a year. She had broken his heart. She had asked him if he still loved her and then she had run away. She had done everything wrong. As far as Yousef knew, she didn’t love him and she had moved on from him, so why would he even care about going to her stupid party? She should’ve talked to him sooner. She knew that. But it hadn’t been easy. First she had had to overcome her insecurities, and that had been really difficult. Then, she had had to finally get some closure on her letter boy. And finally, when she was ready to talk to him he had started to avoid her, it was just too late.

Still, she had a tiny shred of hope that he would come, but the party started almost 2 hours ago and he still hadn’t come. She had given up hope when her phone beeped with a text message.

 **Yousef Acar:** A little rude to invite me to your birthday party and don’t come to greet me, don’t you think?

She looked up from her phone and saw him standing by the door, his eyes focused on her.

**Sana Bakkoush:**  Well, I’m the birthday girl, I think you should come to me.

He smiled at her across the room and walked over to her. She returned the smile and met him in the middle.

 ** _“Hi”_**  Sana said maybe smiling way too big

 ** _“Hey, happy birthday”_**  he said as he put his hand on his pocket to take out her gift  ** _“as promised”_**

In his hand he was holding the new Nazar amulet he had brought her from Turkey.

 ** _“You remembered!”_**  she said taking a step closer to him to hug him

 ** _“I told you, I remember everything”_**  he whispered in her ear as he hugged her back. ****

 ** _“So, did you know about this?”_**  she asked once she pulled away from the hug

**_“Yeah, I kind of did. This is such a nice cabin. Elias told me you used to come here?”_ **

**_“Yes, we did. We spent almost every holiday here…do you maybe want to see what used to be my room?”_ **

**_“I’d love to”_ **

Without thinking twice she took his hand and led him to the attic. She was really excited to having him there. This was her chance and she wasn’t going to waste it. As soon as they were alone she would tell him all the truth, that she loved him and wanted to be with him.

 ** _“I haven’t seen it yet since I got here, I don’t know if it has changed or anything”_**  Sana explained opening the door and turning the lights on.  ** _“Wow…it’s exactly as I remember it”_**

Yousef silently agree with her, the room hadn’t, in fact, changed a little bit. He stood by the door while Sana paced around the room inspecting every inch of it.

 ** _“I used to love coming here. It’s the best room of the house. I had to fight Abdu and Elias to have it, but you know I always find a way to make them do what I want”_**  she said as she approached the wardrobe and put her hand on the door to open it

 ** _“Be careful, you don’t want to hurt your foot again with the door”_**  he said leaning against the wall by the room door.

Sana froze at his words. She tried to find a moment in her memory when she had mentioned something about that wardrobe to Yousef but as hard as he tried she couldn’t find one. Slowly, she turned around to look at him

 ** _“What did you just say?”_**  she whispered

**_“Last time I was here the door was still broken and I mean, we both know how much it hurts when it falls in your foot”_ **

**_“Yousef…”_ **

**_“One would think that after all this time they would’ve fixed it but I think we both know that they probably didn’t”_ **

**_“Stop!”_**  she heard herself yelling, she needed to process what she was hearing  ** _“You’re…it’s…it’s you…you’re…him”_**

Yousef nodded slowly and took a step towards her

 ** _“Since when do you know?”_**  she asked him

**_“Since Elias showed me the location of this cabin. I had thought about it before to be honest. For a long time I was convinced that it was you…but then you weren’t friends with Jamilla and my letter girl had a great relationship with her sister-in-law. Then I found out that you used to have that kind of relationship with her and that you were bullied in middle school”_ **

**_“But I…I thought you were him too…but you…you aren’t muslim”_**  Sana said blinking fast, she had a lot of thoughts in her mind and she couldn’t put them in order

 ** _“No, I’m not muslim”_**  he agreed

 ** _“But you were…when you were 16 you still were muslim”_**  only now she was realizing her mistake

Once again, Yousef’s answer was simple nod, he knew this was a lot to process, it had took him weeks and she only had minutes.

 ** _“I can’t believe this…I…all the signs were there…your friend’s sister you thought hated you…that was me and I saw you coming out of the book store that time and…everything is starting to make sense now…”_**  right now all she could do was look at some point in the wall behind Yousef and shake her head as she tried to think straight. A question came to her mind and this time she looked right at him  ** _“Why didn’t you tell me? Why have you avoided me all these weeks?”_**

 ** _“Probably for the same reason you lied to me when you broke up with me”_**  he said bitterly  ** _“I needed time”_**

**_“Yousef…about that…”_ **

**_“Why, Sana? Why would you do that? Why would to break my heart that way? Why wouldn’t you just tell me the truth? I would’ve understood, I would’ve supported you and given you the time you needed”_**  he said taking a few steps towards her

**_“I was a mess Yousef! I didn’t want to bring you into my mess, it wasn’t fair to you”_ **

**_“No, what wasn’t fair to me was that you made that decision for me”_**  she could hear the hurt in his voice

She looked down trying to hide the tears that were coming to her eyes

**_“Sana…I…it felt like you were giving up on us…”_ **

**_“You gave up on us too”_**  she whispered before looking up at him  ** _“You gave up on us. You said everything was over between you and your ex and two months later you were saying that you were still in love with me, why?”_**

 ** _“That…that was a mistake…”_** he said closing his eyes and shaking his head **“I saw you…outside your university, with that Frans guy, he had a ring and…”**

 **“Oh my god, that’s why you kept looking at my hands that day, you thought he had proposed to me?!”** she asked half angry half amused

**_“I’m sorry okay? You had told me you didn’t love me, you had been avoiding me for months and when I finally get the courage to tell you I still love you I see you with another guy…”_ **

**_“And your instant reaction was to want to meet another girl?”_** she asked crossing her arms on her chest

**_“In my defense, that girl was you”_ **

This time she really laughed, and not only a chuckle, she was completely laughing out loud, almost histerically, while the tears that she had been holding rolled down her face. It seemed contradictory but wasn’t that what that situation was? She felt happy to know that the two loves of her life were the same person but also frustrated about all the time they had lost on stupidities. At first Yousef just frowned at her but eventually he was infected with her laugh and ended up laughing too.

 ** _“What are you laughing at?”_**  she said between laughs

**_“Me? You’re the one who started”_ **

**_“It’s just…this could only happen to us”_**  she said more calm now as the truth hit her  ** _“We’ve been knowing each other for 10 years and we’re still in the same point we were in the start”_**

**_“No, that’s not true”_ **

**_“What do you mean?”_ **

**_“Now, Sana, we know something we didn’t know before. You know I love you. And I…I think you love me too…don’t you?”_ **

She sighed heavily and flashed a huge smile at him

 ** _“Of course I love you. I’ve wanted to tell you for months, I never stopped loving you.”_**  She walked, ran, over to him and hugged him.

He wrapped his arms around her waist and brought her closer to him, lifting her off the floor a little.

 ** _“I’m sorry, for everything”_**  she said against his neck

 ** _“I’m sorry too”_**  he whispered back

He placed her in the floor and pulled away a little to look at her. She placed her hands on his chest and tilted her head to gaze at him with loving eyes.

 ** _“So it’s true then…it’s you, it’s always been you”_**  she said

 ** _“Yeah, it’s me…I’m your anonymous friend about whom you knew nothing”_**  he said in a nerdy voice

 ** _“Hey!”_**  she reprimanded him patting softly on his chest with her hand

**_“You were such a know-it-all”_ **

**_“Excuse me? I was smart, smarter than you Mr. lame jokes”_ **

**_“You loved my jokes!”_**  he said  ** _“You loved them as much as you loved 40 years old creepy men”_**

She opened her mouth offended and pulled away from his embrace

 ** _“You know what? I’ve changed my mind, I don’t love you”_** she said trying to leave but he took her hand and made her stay, hugging her again.

**_“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You were smarter than me”_ **

**_“I’m smarter than you”_**  she placed her hands on his chest again and smiled

**_“You are smarter than me”_ **

**_“And I don’t love 40 years old creepy guys”_ **

**_“And you don’t love 40 years old creepy guys”_**  he repeated

 ** _“And I don’t think your jokes are that lame”_**  she admitted  ** _“I kind of like them”_**

 ** _“Yes! I knew it”_**  he said doing a victory sign with his fist

She laughed and then bit her lip as she looked at him. Everything they had been through had led them to that particular moment. The truth was out now. The boy she had had a crush on for 10 years and the boy she had been in love with for almost 5 years were the same person and it couldn’t feel more right.

 ** _“I love you”_**  she said resting her forehead against his

 ** _“And I love you, girl”_**  he said back

Since that day, Sana and Yousef became a couple again and this time there was nothing that could tear them apart.

Every time they met new people and they would asked them for how long they had known each other, Sana would say an amount of years while Yousef would say another. When asked about that difference of replies they would look at each other and smile knowingly before answering.

‘It’s a long story’ they would say, and indeed it was.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you've liked it!  
> Thanks for reading♥


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